


Dante’s Prayer

by Acacia_Mac



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Rape, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:19:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4702415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acacia_Mac/pseuds/Acacia_Mac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sci-Fi type fic... End of the World fic</p><p>WARNING:  THIS FIC CONTAINS VIOLENCE, RAPE, TORTURE, AND VARIOUS OTHER ISSUES THAT MAY BE UNSUITABLE FOR SOME PEOPLE.  IF THESE BOTH YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ THE SECTIONS WITH THE WARNING NEXT TO IT... THANK-YOU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dante’s Prayer

**Author's Note:**

> Old Fic BY Popular Demand (Andrea... Lucky... Teresa... Gia, Kia, Krissy, Jude, and all the gals from the Toronto Smackdown...and many others...You know who you all are... lol!) Thanks to my wonderful Beta, Lucky... You're the greatest. Here it is...

 

Dante’s Prayer

 

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Dante’s Prayer

BY Popular Demand (Andrea... Lucky... Teresa...  Gia, Kia, Krissy, Jude, and all the gals from the Toronto Smackdown...and many others...You know who you all are... lol!) Thanks to my wonderful Beta, Lucky... You're the greatest.  Here it is...   
  


** WARNING:  THIS FIC CONTAINS VIOLENCE, RAPE, TORTURE, AND VARIOUS OTHER ISSUES THAT MAY BE UNSUITABLE FOR SOME PEOPLE.  IF THESE BOTH YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ THE SECTIONS WITH THE WARNING NEXT TO IT... THANK-YOU. **

  
  


Part One

** Present Time:  September 2003 **   
  

It seems unreal that it was almost two years ago to the day that the world as we knew it came to an end.  Two years of fighting, two years of surviving, two years of trying to get back what we had lost.  I thought that everything was lost, that everyone I knew was gone, but I have slowly found the survivors in my journey to get back to the one I want to find the most.  Ben and I had met up not long after the Apocalypse and we have banded together with a small group of survivors.  The “Brotherhood” as they like to call themselves have made our lives a living hell.  The “New World Order” as they like to call it.  Survival of the fittest.  Unfortunately their definition of fittest isn’t what we believe it is.   
    
  

Two years ago my life came to an end.  I am no where near the same person I was back then … hell I’m not even the same person I was a year ago, and I don’t think that anyone could blame me.  NO one is the same.  The blast that had hit the Earth, had sent us all back to the fucking dark ages, and nothing was ever the same after that.  It seems weird to me that with that one blast, it seemed like some things have gotten better.  I mean, Ben is no longer suffering from the effects of the AIDS virus.  It makes me wonder if the strange particles in the air somehow cured that disease.  No one will ever know for sure, but I am glad that he is here with me.   
    
  

How the hell I became the leader of this small group of “rebels” is beyond me.  I mean what the fuck do I know about leading an army?  But they look up to me, and I know that I can’t let them down.  I can’t let HIM down.  He’s the reason why I go on, and don’t give up.  He’s the reason I’m still alive.   
    
  

When I was captured by they Brotherhood, I thought that I would never make it.  But he got me through those ten long months.  Ten long months of torture, rape, humiliation.  I thought that I never would get out of there.  But Ben – and amazingly enough Emmett – along with the rest of the rebels came and rescued me.  ME?  Ben had told me that they needed their leader in one piece, they couldn’t leave me behind.  It still amazes me that I’m in charge of this little band of misfits.  It’s hard for me to move, to do anything.  The injuries that I sustained at the hands of those monsters was bad.  I don’t sleep anymore, I can’t.  Every time I close my eyes I feel them there – watching me, touching me, hurting me.  The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming.   
    
  

I wonder if he will still be alive when we reach our destination?  Will he still feel something toward me?  Can we get back what we had lost?  What I had stripped away from us?   
    
  

I don’t know the answers to that.  I don’t know really if I want to know.  All I know is that I have to get back there.  I have to get back to Pittsburgh, or what’s left of it.  I have to get back to Brian.  He’s the only reason for living in this new world for me.  He is what has allowed me to survive.  He is MY reason for living.  He will help me to forget all I have endured these past couple of months – hell these past two years.  Only Brian can keep me safe, can make me feel safe and forget the pain.  Only Brian can make me feel worthy of love.   
    
  

I walked through the camp on the embankment of a small river.  I wish I remembered my geography from school to know where the hell we are, but I know that there are others here who are better equipped at remembering small details like that.  I just sent out the scouting party looking for food, and made sure that the schedule for patrol has been made.  I know that the “Brotherhood” is lurking around somewhere and I don’t want to be caught with my pants down again.  Last time that happened we lost a lot of good people.  I can’t let them down again.  I just can’t.  I feel like every time I let them down, that I screw up, I’m in effect letting Brian down.  That’s one thing that I swore I would never do.  I wouldn’t let him down… I’d make him proud of me, even if I never find him again – even if he’s only watching me from heaven…   
    
  

I look over the dark sky – the dark sky that looked blood red, and the artist in me can invasion the redness of the sky as the blood of all those killed.  Mom, Daphne, Ted, and the thousands, and millions of others who didn’t survive the first year.  All the people who had died in the initial impact of the meteorite, and who had died in the “Cleansing”.  I wonder how much of that color, I had put there.  How many people have I killed in the name of freedom?  How many lives have I taken in order to try and keep our “family” together?  How many more lives will I take?   
    
  

If there was ever hell on Earth, this is it.  The end came, and now we have to fight to get back some of what we lost.  I have to get back some of what I had lost.  Ben needs to find Michael almost as much as I need to find Brian.  They are our hope.  Looking at the sky, I say the same thing I do every night hoping that one day he will hear me.   
    
  

“I love you, Brian.  I’m coming for you.  We’ll be together, I promise.  Just hold on, please.”  I know I’ll get no reply, but as long as he knows that he is in my heart every moment of my life, as long as I feel that he knows this, then it makes getting through the day easier.  It makes this long journey to home that much easier to bear.   
    
  

Is there really a heaven?  I have been wondering that a lot lately.  I wonder if there is a better place than here.  I want to believe that.. I want to believe that there is a place where I don’t have to fight anymore.  I am so tired.  I am tired of the fighting, of the killing.  I am tired of people looking to me… ME, as a guiding light.. as their savior.  Fuck, I’m just a kid.  What do I fucking now about anything?  I wish at times to go back.. to go back to the way things were.  I wish I was that poor innocent kid I was when I first met Brian, when I first made those tentative steps onto Liberty Avenue.  I wish for a lot of things… things that I know will never happen.   
    
  

Molly has been a great help to me.  She’s sort of become a handy nurse.  It’s a shame that she had to grow up so fast.  She’s only 13 for fucksake.  She should’ve been able to have a childhood, to play with her Barbie’s with the girls down the street.  She should’ve had a chance at innocence.  I wish that she had the chance that I had.  Crystal, our resident Doctor, has taken Molly under her wing, and has taught her everything.  I am glad that we found a doctor who knows the ‘ancient ways’ as she likes to call them.  She is always telling me that her people – the Indians – lived this way for many years, and she was taught the ways of her elders.  I don’t’ know what I would’ve done without her.   
    
  

Ben – my second in command – is just as amazing.  I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without him.  He’s the one who had found me in that prison camp, he’s the one who helps me when I’m wrestling with a decision.  He is my confidant, my mentor, I guess.  Mikey is lucky to have someone like him.  I hope for Ben’s sake that we find Mikey alive and well.  Ben deserves to be happy.   
    
  

I hear someone come up behind me, and I know from the footsteps that it’s only Ben.  It’s amazing what you learn when you are fighting your very existence.  “It looks like we’re somewhere in Idaho right now.  We’ve made some good time,” he tells me as he comes to sit down next to me on the ground.  “The Scout Party saw a farm about two miles east of here, and they report that there are wagons and horses.  We’re going to try and get them here in the next couple of days.  It’ll help the trip go a lot faster.”   
    
  

“I’m glad.  I don’t know if Jacob can last much longer if he has to walk for the rest of the trip.  He should be in one of the wagons,” I state, knowing that Ben will agree with me.  Jacob is like our resident counselor, he’s always there to help us with our problems, and with what’s messed up in our heads.  He’s also like fifty years old.  Jacob has been like a father to me, more so than my father ever was.  I don’t think I’d make it if he died because of something I couldn’t do or provide for him.   
    
  

Ben just sits there and continues to stare out across the plain, and I wonder briefly what he’s thinking about.  I wonder if he’s thinking about his life before that day in November 2001.  I wonder if he’s thanking god for allowing him to live, to be rid of the disease that had threatened his life for so many years.  I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like for him.  To wake up and be ‘cured’ of the HIV virus, only to find out that at any moment you can die again.  Maybe he has it the easiest of all of us.  He knew before that day that he could go at any moment.  He knew that his days were numbered … maybe it’s not that different for him as I originally thought.  Maybe he is better off than the rest of us.   
    
  

Me… fuck what about me?  I learned that life is short the moment that damn bat came toward my head.  I knew that life was short when I was taken by those assholes and held for a year.  I knew that life was unfair.  I just wish that things would start to get better… for all of us.  I know we have a long road a head of us … but we’ve become a family.  We’ve stuck by each other, and that’s something that I know the “Brotherhood” can’t take away from us.  If these past two years have taught us anything is that things are precious, life is precious, family is precious.  We would die for each other… which is something that the Apocalypse couldn’t take away.   
    
  

“Do you ever think about what it would be like if we ever found the guys again,” I ask not knowing why I had asked that.  I have thought of nothing but that since I was rescued those months ago.  I just don’t know why I actually voiced that question to Ben… hell to anyone.   
    
  

Something are better left unasked, but I needed to know.  I needed to know that maybe I’m not alone.  Ben takes a deep breath, and sighs slightly.  “At times, yeah.  Michael and I were just starting out when I had to go to that conference in California.  We were just getting to know each other, and I knew that he was the one for me.  There are times that I hope that he is still alive out there, but if not… I’m ready for that too.  We won’t know anything until we get there, and there is no use in worrying about what might be.”   
    
  

“I know… I just wish I knew if he was alright.  I am worried about things that I shouldn’t be worried about… things that I feel sick to think about,” I tell him honestly.  I have never told anyone my fears, my nightmares.  “I know I shouldn’t think like this, but I mean what will Brian think when he sees me again.  I’m not the same person that I was when I met him.  I’m not even the same person that I was a year and a half ago.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  How can I expect Brian to know?”   
    
  

That’s my worse fear, I guess.  That all this time, all this effort in trying to get back to him… that when we meet again, he won’t love me anymore.  He’ll decide that I’m not worth the effort.  I know that if that happens, I won’t survive the night.   
    
  

“The thing you need to remember is that we don’t know, and thinking the worse will only make matters difficult for you.  You’ll beat yourself up, until when you do see Brian again you’ll mess things up.  Don’t do that to yourself.  Don’t do that to Brian,” Ben tells me.  I suddenly realize that in all of our conversations together, neither one of us refers to Brian as being dead.  Ben always talks like Brian is alive and well .. and looking for me.  I am grateful for his belief in that.  His belief that Brian is well keeps me going at times.  “From what everyone used to tell me, Brian loves you very much.  He’ll be there for you, and he’ll never let you go.  I believe that… I think you should to.”   
    
  

I can only nod in agreement, hoping beyond hope that he is right.  “Same for Michael you know.  You know that Brian would never let anything happen to Michael… so the two of them are probably sitting at the ruins of the diner, or at Babylon just waiting for everyone to come and find them,” I smile.  I can picture Brian sitting there waiting for everyone to come to him.  He always believed that you don’t go after people… that if someone wants you they will have to come to you.  And Michael… well Michael would do whatever Brian told him too.  That’s just the way of life…   
    
  

“There are days that I can still feel him,” I tell him.  I have NEVER told anyone any of this, but I guess all the sleepless nights that I have had in the past couple of months have taken their toll on my ‘invinsible mask’.  “I lay there sometimes, and I swear that he’s there with me.  I can hear him talk to me, calming me, telling me that everything will be alright.  I want to believe it, you know.  I want to believe that if … IF he’s alive, that everything will be alright between us.  That he won’t learn of what has happened to me and be disgusted.”   
    
  

Ben placed a delicate hand on my shoulder, and I try to take comfort in his presence.  “You survived a lot these past couple of years.  And if I know Brian, WHEN you see him again, the only thing he’ll want to do besides kill those bastards is to hold you close to him forever.”   
    
  

“I hope you’re right.  But I’m not sure anymore.  I’m not even sure that I really left that place.  They took something from me, Ben… something that I’m not sure I can ever get back.  They took my soul… the only thing I had left. How can someone live without a soul,” I ask.  I believe everything that I told him… I really do.  I mean, come on, you can’t expect someone to get tortured for a fucking year to NOT feel like they are the walking dead… Right?  And that’s the way I feel… I feel dead inside.  “How can he love me if I don’t have a soul?”   
    
  

Ben turned me to face him, and I try to hide the tears that were coursing down my face.  I was so scared.  “Listen to me, okay.  No one can take your soul away from you.  It’s still there… You’ve proven that time and time again over the last couple of months.  You are strong, and you care for what happens to everyone here.  The only ones without a soul are the ones who held you.. who did that to you.  It maybe damaged, but I know that once you find Brian again… you will be complete.  You two are two halves of the same whole.  You complete each other.  What you can’t find within yourself right now… Brian will help you find again.  It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself again.  I believe that, and so should you.  Don’t ever doubt your ability to care, your soul.  Cause you are one of the most caring people I know.  Who else would’ve done all that you have done, and say that they don’t have a soul?  No one who is soulless could’ve done what you have done, Justin.  Don’t ever deny that.  You have kept us together, and given these people the strength they needed to survive.  Don’t ever doubt that… okay?”   
    
  

I smile slightly, thankful that Ben is there with me.  Thankful that he can see what I don’t always want to see or admit.  He’s the real leader, the real guide.  I would be lost without him in my life.  Ben has become the best friend that I could’ve ever hoped for.  “Thank-you… for everything,” I tell him even though it is no where near close to what I feel for him.  I would’ve given up a long time ago without his constant praise, and approval, and guidance.   
    
  

Ben leaves me to my thoughts, and I just stare back out across the plain.  I want to believe him… I want to believe that I am not as broken as I believe I am.  Maybe someday I will have as much faith in myself that everyone else has in me.   
    
  

I want to be what Brian deserves.  All I have to do is find him, and everything will be alright.   
    
  

I just have to find him…   
    
  

* * * * * * ** * * * ** *

Part Two – The Beginning of the End…

  
  


** FLASHBACK : Timeframe end of November 2001 **   
    
  

“So Mom is like _‘Justin you have to go.  This may be the last time that you’ll spend time with your grandmother.  We do this every year, Sweetheart, and you missed it last year.  If you miss it this year, you will regret it for the rest of your life.’_ I wanted to puke.”  I say as I make my way toward the couch.  My mom has been on me about going to the family Thanksgiving festivities this year, and in all honestly that is the last thing that I want to do.  This would be the first year that Brian and I are a couple, at least as much as a couple as we can be, and my Mom once again has to step in and try and run my life.  It’s not like anyone in the family really wants me there anyway.  _‘You’ll regret it for the rest of your life,’_ she had told me.  Yeah, I may not remember much about the Prom.. but I sure as hell remember her and Deb telling me that.   
    
  

“If you don’t want to go then don’t.  No one is forcing you,” Brian told me from his spot by the computer.  I know that he’s only half listening to me bitch, but at least he’s listening, which is more than I can say for anyone else these days.  I am so sick of everyone still treating me like I’m going to break.  I try to tell them that I’m fine, that I am okay, but they don’t believe me.  Of course no one will come out and mention the attack, but you know that it’s always there in the back of their minds.  If my friends can’t handle and won’t talk about what happened, what do I expect my family to think?   
    
  

“I wish it were that easy, Bri,” I state sitting down on the couch.  It’s been months but I still feel so out of synch with things.  “A part of me wants to go, but then again… I mean come on, I’m that ‘damn little gay son of Craig’s.  You know the one who got his head bashed in with a baseball bat.  Don’t mind him… he’s still suffering from the incident,’” I say in a mocking voice.   
    
  

I hear Brian make his way over to the couch and watch as he sits down next to me.  “Fuck ‘em.  You know what happened, and you know it’s not your fault.  Who gives a rats ass what they think?  You’re here, and they should be happy that you are.”   
    
  

Brian reaches out and pulls me toward him.  I close my eyes and lean my head against his solid chest.  I don’t know what I would’ve done without Brian here.  He’s helped me so much, more than anyone would’ve expected him to.  I just wish that he could be with me when I go.  I don’t know if I’m ready to put up with all the shit that they will dish out.  I don’t know how I will answer their questions when they ask.  And god forbid, what if I have one of my outbursts, or anxiety attacks?  What if I wake up screaming at night?  What will they think then?  So many things could go wrong on this trip, and without Brian there, I’m not sure if I can handle them.  I don’t know what I’ll do.  “I know.  I guess I’m just a little scared.  This will be the first time that I’m with them since I came out… since the Prom.”   
    
  

Brian just held me closer to him and I allowed myself to be comforted by his presence.  “Everything will be alright.  I don’t think that they will ostersize you.  They’re your family and they care.  Go, have fun, I’ll be here when you get back.  Okay?”  I can only nod my head.  I know that he’ll be here for me, like he has been since I came to live with him this last time.  He’s taken so much crap from me these past couple of weeks, and all he’s done is help me.  I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him, but I’m grateful that he’s allowed me in.  “Now, go and pack.  You’re mom will be here in an hour.”   
    
  

I nod and raise my head from my spot on his chest.  I kiss him lightly on the lips and look into his eyes.  I can see the love he has for me there, even if he can’t say it, I feel it.  “Love you,” I tell him, as I watch his eyes dance slightly at my words.   
    
  

“I know,” he smiles back, and kisses me fully.  I will never tire of his kisses, of his love.  I don’t think it would be possible to NOT love him.  “Now go and pack before I lay you down right here and fuck the shit out of you.”   
    
  

Laughing I get up and stand before him.  “Yeah, and the last thing we need is for my Mom to walk in on us again,” I laugh.   
    
  

“Maybe it would teach her to knock before she comes barging in here,” Brian states as he makes his way back to his computer.  “I really need to change the fucking lock on that damn door.  Too many people forget to knock.”   
    
  

“I don’t know… maybe we could teach them a thing or two,” I smile pulling out a suitcase from the back of the closet.  “Who knows what they might learn.”   
    
  

“Not enough to keep them the fuck out.”  I continue packing right up to the time I heard my mom knocking on the door.  “Justin!  You’re Mom’s here,” Brian yells to me, like I didn’t already know that.  “Ms. Taylor,” I hear him state.  I know that they only tolerate each other, and that Brian swore to be nice to her, even though it almost kills him to.   
    
  

“Brian,” Mom adds with that little hint of ‘Country Club Attitude’.  I HATE it when she gets like that.  I hear her come up to the bedroom, and I try not to say anything to her that would start this whole thing off on the wrong note.  The last thing I need is to start off this trip with a headache.  “Justin, we need to get going if we’re going to make the plane.”   
    
  

I close up the suitcase, and stand there for a minute going through my list of things to bring.  Checking off one things at a time in my head, I am satisfied that I have everything.  “Ready,” I say as I lift the suitcase up with my left hand.  I hate it that my right hand is still weak, but the docs say that it will get stronger in time.  I only hope that they are right.  I walk down to where Brian is and kiss him lightly on the cheek.  “I’ll be back in four days, think you can survive without me for that long,” I ask, knowing that he’ll be fine.  I just love to egg him on though.  The whole idea of a relationship is a scary thing to him, but I’m loving every minute of it.  The thought that I snagged the ‘king of liberty avenue’ sends a thrill through me every single time I look at him.  And HE came to ME!   
    
  

Looking at him now though, I feel a sudden sense of fear run through my body.  I fear that if I walk out that door that I will never see him again.  I know that it’s stupid, but I can’t shake this feeling.  I shake my head and see that he had noticed my sudden reluctance.  He reaches out and grabs a hold of my hand, and gives it a light squeeze.  “Have fun.  It’s only for four days.”   
    
  

I nod, still trying to shake this feeling, but lean in anyway to kiss him again.  “Later,” I tell him.   
    
  

“Later,” he whispers back.  I pull away and head out the door.  I know that if I don’t leave now, I will never leave.  I will see him again.  I mean he’s right… it’s only four days.  What can happen in four days?   
    
  

* * * * * * * *   
    
  

Slowly I awaken to the sound of screaming.  I open my eyes and I freak.  I can’t see a thing, everything is dark, pitch black.  I close my eyes again, not that it really mattered and try to take a calming breath.  I need to calm down before I have a panic attack.  That’s the last thing I need.  “Hello,” I try to call out.  My voice sounds horse even to me, quiet and scratchy.  “Anyone there?”   
    
  

“Justin,” I hear a small voice next to me.  I concentrate on trying to figure out who it was… nothing is making any sense to me.  I feel as if I am just waking up from a coma, like I did a couple of months ago.  Waking up and knowing that things have changed for ever, that my life will never be the same again.   
    
  

“Molly,” I ask, hoping beyond hope that it was her.   
    
  

“Justin, mommy…. Mommy’s not waking up,” she silently cries.   
    
  

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, I sit up in shock.  Mom?  What the hell is happening?  Instantly I regret the sudden movement, as I feel my head about to explode, and the nausea set in.  Turning slightly, I let what little food I have in my stomach out, wishing that I would wake up from this nightmare.  Feeling slightly better, I turn to Molly, eyes adjusting to the darkness.  I can make her out beside a beam that had crashed down near her, and I squint my eyes a little more to try and see what’s got her attention.  I feel the bile raise up in my throat again as I see Mom laying beneath the beam laying on top of her head.  I know in the instant that she is dead, there is no way that she could survive that.  No way at all.   
    
  

I crawl over and hold Molly to me.  What do you say?  What can I say?  I don’t know the answer to that, and I’m scared to think of what it will be like for us now.  “Okay, Mol, listen.  We need to get out of here, okay?  We need to find out what happened.  We’ll come back and get Mom later, but we have to find someone who can help her,” I lie.  I know that there is nothing we can do for Mom now, except find someone who can help prepare her for the next life, or whatever.  Plus I need to find out what happened.  Was there an earthquake?  An explosion?  What?  I also need to call Brian and let him know I’m okay.   
    
  

We make our way carefully out of the building, and I can only stand there in shock.  It looked like the entire city was gone.  People were laying in the streets, dead or injured… cars and buildings leveled.  But it was the sky that really freaked me out.  The sky was red.  The air was thick with some particles or something, and it was hard to breathe.  I don’t know what was going on, but that sudden fear that I had when I was leaving that morning came back full force.  Somehow I knew… I knew that it wasn’t just San Francisco, it was the whole damn world.  Everything was gone.  Everything that we knew, that we believed was destroyed, lost forever in whatever event that had hit the world.   
    
  

I reach into my pocket for my cell phone, silently praying that I could get a connection, but knowing in my head that it wouldn’t work.  I felt the stab of pain in my heart when I couldn’t get a connection.  I needed to call Brian… I needed to hear his voice, to know that he was alright.  I needed HIM!  “Justin what’s happening?”   
    
  

I do the only thing I can think of and pull Molly closer to me.  “I don’t know, Mol.  But we’ll figure it out together okay?  We’ll get through this as long as we have each other,” I tell her, and I hope beyond hope that I’m right.  I continue to hold her as I make my way through the destruction hoping to find someone, anyone who was alive and could help us.  As we walk through the streets however, I see that all the stores are blacked out, like there was no power available to run the city, hell even run a small lamp.  I stop for a second and try to get some bearing as to where we are, what we’re going to do.  I know that I have to be the strong one for Molly, I have to get us through until help arrives, but I am finding myself scare to death.  I don’t know what to do, where to go.  Think, Justin, think!   
    
  

“Come on, let’s go in here and try and get something to eat, okay,” I say pulling her toward a little store.  We step through the broken glass door and look around.  “Hello,” I call out.   
    
  

“Hello,” I hear a scared voice coming from behind the counter.   
    
  

“Stay here, okay Mol,” I ask her.  Once I see her nod, I slowly make my way over to where I hear the voice.  “It’s okay, I’ll help you.  Are you hurt,” I ask… Fuck what a stupid thing to ask.  Granted it’s better than asking if they are okay… I mean who would be okay.. who IS okay?  I see that the person… sorry a young woman – a teen more likely – has a possible broken arm, and is scared shitless.  “Can you move,” I ask her, and she only nods, and tries to stand.  I know that she is in a lot of pain, so I help her brace her arm, and look for something to splint it up with.  It’s times like now I wish I had been a damn boy scout or something.  “Mol, can you help me find something to brace her arm with.  You took the first aid courses not me,” I say trying to get Mol out of her shock and moving.  I know her… as long as she has something to do, someway to feel useful then she will not think about seeing Mom’s crushed body beneath that beam.  I have to keep her with me, I have no one else.   
    
  

Molly’s instincts kicked in and we quickly got the lady’s arm braced.  “Hi, I’m Molly, and this dufus is my brother, Justin.  Don’t mind him, he’s always insensitive.”   
    
  

“Hey,” I say in my defense.  Granted, I’m glad that Mol remembered all of that stuff, cause introductions was the thing farthest from my mind at the moment.  Things like food, shelter, and getting in touch with SOMEONE from home was the only thing on my mind.  “You doing okay, now?”   
    
  

“I’m Jessica, but my friends call me Jessie.  And yeah I’m okay.  What the hell happened,” she asked me like I know.   
    
  

“I don’t know.  What do you remember,” I ask hoping for some clue as to what happened.   
    
  

She stood there and shook slightly.  “I don’t know really… I was watching the TV, ringing up customers, you know.  When suddenly there was this news flash telling everyone to like take cover or something.  Then the damn ground began to shake, and everything started to shut down… I don’t know what happened, it’s like the fucking world came to an end…  Are we the only ones alive?”   
    
  

I stand there and think about what she had told us.  We hadn’t had the TV on at the time so we didn’t hear of any warning, but slowly things started to come back to me.  The ground beneath us began to shake, and the whole building began to crash in around us.  I remember the lights exploding, as if some sudden power surge hit.  I remember something come flying toward me, and hearing Mom scream.  That’s the last thing I remember, until I woke up.  “I’m sure that others are alive… I’d hate to think that we’re the only ones who survived.”   
    
  

“Yeah, it would be a bummer if the only guy alive is gay,” I hear Molly laugh painfully.  A part of me wants to turn around and scold her, but hearing her laugh even if it is not a cheery laugh makes me pause.  She’s right of course.  I’d hate to think that I am the ONLY guy left.  I mean, Brian has to be alive somewhere, right.  I’m sure that he’s back at home worried to death about me… or at least I hope he is.   
    
  

I want so badly to find a way to get back home, to find someway to get the hell out of here and on the road to Pittsburgh.  I know however, that I can’t do that right now.  I need to see if there is even a way back.  Every car I have seen in our trek across the street will not work.  It looks like every car has exploded from some strange …thing.  I don’t know how to even begin to explain what is going on, or what we have to do from now on.  I have to focus… focus on first getting Molly some food and a place to sleep.  That’s my priority right now.   
    
  

I need time to collect my thoughts and figure out what to do from there.  One step at a time…   
    
  

One step at a time…   
    
  

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Part 3: In Memoriam

** Present Time:  October 2003 **

We began to move out, heading east toward old Pittsburgh.  The weather is getting cold again, and I only can pray that it won’t be a harsh winter.  I don’t know if we can survive that.  With our stop in Idaho we had discovered a small farm, and had taken what we needed.  I am thankful that we had gotten the wagons, and horses, cause it’s cutting down on our travel time.  I figure that sometime within the next year we should be close to our destination… close to Brian.  I think about all of the crap that has happened in the past two years, how we had all struggled and suffered.

The initial damage wasn’t as bad as we had all thought, with only about half of the population dead.  It wasn’t until the “Brotherhood” had decided to begin their cleansing that the population began to dwindle.  I remember those first couple of days like it was yesterday.  Molly, Jamie, and I had found more and more people alive as we began to make our way out of the city.  We knew that we had to try and get out, try and figure out a way to bury the dead, but since we weren’t sure just how many people had survived, we just walked.

Eric… God I miss him.  He was my first REAL friend in all of this.  He knew what to do, what to say.  I learned a lot from him about being a leader, and about being a man.

** FLASHBACK : Timeframe Beginning of December 2001 **

It’s been a couple of days since all of this shit happened, and we had walked a little ways from where we had started… I’m not sure where in the hell we were actually going.  But the smell… god I will never get that smell out of my thoughts, out of my mind.  I had heard the tales of the men and women in the concentration camps during WWII and I knew that I would never understand fully what they went through, what had occurred.  I never thought about what the smell would’ve been like, cause I never thought it would happen to me… then again, I never thought that I would get bashed in the head either… You’d think I had learned something.

We had meet up with at least twenty other people in our journey the past couple of days.  It is good to know that so many people survived the whole thing.  For the most part I see people taking the dead off the streets and taking them away.  I’m not sure exactly where they are taking the people but I know that I really didn’t want to know either.  All I knew, and what was tearing me up inside, was that we had left Mom alone in that building.  Although in my heart I knew that there would be no way that Molly and I would’ve been able to get her out of there, I also knew that I didn’t like the thought of her being alone… She didn’t deserve that.

There was a group of people, the largest group I had seen thus far, standing outside of a movie theater.  There was a man standing there at the top of the steps directing the group.  I pulled Molly along with me as I made my way over to where they were at, I had to get a closer look.  The man was mid-forties or so, and to me at least he seemed to be in charge of this small little group.  At least he seemed to know what to do, which is more than can be said for me.  I know that both Molly and Jessie are looking to me for answers… for something, and I’m not sure I can give it to them.  I don’t know what to do… I’m only 18 for fucksake.  What do I know?

“Remember we need to get all the dead we can and put them in the four hundred block.  We need to contain them as much as possible so that we can give them the proper burial.  All injured can report to the Hospital on Third for treatment.  We’ll do the best we can, so please just bear with us a little longer,” the man said.  I was amazed at how calm he seemed.  I wish I felt as calm as he as he appeared to be.  He wasn’t the only one taking charge of the situation, there were a whole lot of people – well a lot more than I would’ve thought – standing up and taking charge of the situation.  I had heard that the government is in shambles right now… it’s every man for himself… every person for themselves.  The laws no longer matter, the governments of the world have shut down, and are trying like the rest of us to just survive.  What more can anyone do?  You can’t talk to people unless you are right in their faces cause all the TV, radio, telephones, everything is gone.  There is no power to run the banks, or anything.  We are going to have to start to use the old barter system if we are to survive.

“Maybe you should head to the hospital and get checked out,” the man came up to me and stated.

“I’m fine, really.  It’s not that bad.”  I know it’s a lie, and that I should be careful with the possibility of another head injury, but I knew that people needed the attention more than me.  I knew that if I did have a head injury there would be nothing anyone could do… not with the way things were now.  No way.

* * * * * * *

** Present Time:  October 2003 **

Eric was a good man.  We had worked hard to get everyone, everything taken care of.  He went with me to retrieve my mom’s body and she was given what Eric calls a Hero’s Burial.  I was grateful for his help.  Eric and I spent nights just talking about things – what our lives were before this, what we would have to do now.  I admired him … I respected him.  We both agreed that the need to get out of the city was necessary.  The Riots had already started and over the next couple of months we could see the starting of a large group of people.

I had spotted Ben while I was at one of the meetings with Eric and the rest of the committee.  To say that I was shocked would be an understatement.  We had sat down and talked.  He told me that he had come to the city for a conference when all hell broke loose.  We both decided at that moment that we had to go home…we had to know.

It was a hard couple of months for us as we made our way out of the city… I told Eric that I had to get to Pittsburgh.  That I had to see if anyone was still alive.  The “Brotherhood” had started their reign of terror, striking out at us every chance they had.  We had to go into hiding so that we may have the chance to survive the night.  There were many nights that we would stay awake wondering if we were going to be attacked or if some of us would vanish in the night.  No matter what, though, we just kept on moving East

It was only four months after Eric has started us on this little trek in which he was captured.   We looked for days hoping to find him, only to discover his torn and battered body hanging from a tree about ten miles away from where we had last seen him.  His flesh had been torn from his body, and his eyes were gone.  I don’t even want to know what they did to him, just the thought of what he went through kept me up for weeks.

So here we were… on the run, and without a leader.  The committee, now calling ourselves the “rebels” – rebelling against the rule of the Brotherhood and their New World Order – decided to take a vote on who would lead us.  I don’t even know how my name came to be in the voting, or why … but I suddenly found myself elected.  Ben told me later that everyone felt that since I was the closest to Eric, and he had taught me what he knew, I was the best choice for the job.  Of course he added that I had a natural leadership aura about me, that everyone felt safe to be around.  I was strong, he had told me… I am still not so sure about that.  So I had figured if I was going to do this, I wanted someone with the same goal that I do as my second-in-command.  Hence, Ben.

Ben became my confidant.  He was my voice of reason.  I don’t’ think I have told him that yet.  I am not sure if I had really told him just what his calm demeanor has given me.  When I was ready to explode, he would always find a way to calm me down, even if it was only a little.

So we just kept moving.  Moving East – away from what was left of San Francisco, and toward Pittsburgh.  Toward the one that I need the most.  Who knows if we will ever make it there, or what we will find once we get there, but I am determined to get the answers I need.  The answers to the questions that have plagued me for the past two years.

Is Brian still alive?  Will he still love me?  Can we make a life for ourselves in this new world?

I don’t know the answers to that.  I don’t even know if I am prepared to get the answers.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

* * * * * * *

Part four – End of Innocence…   
  

** FLASHBACK : Timeframe Mid-May 2002 **

During our march East, we had gained more and more people along the way.  Now not only do I have to worry about protecting everyone against the Brotherhood, but I have to worry about how in the world I am going to feed everyone.  While we are in the mountains, I know that there will be very little food unless we can catch some wild animals, and gather enough berries to feed everyone.  So knowing we would be in short supply, we begin to ration our food.

It’s funny, less than a year ago, I was always told that I could eat anything, that I would eat everyone out of house and home… now look at me.  I have lost a lot of weight, but so has almost everyone else.  I admit that this little journey is good for one thing though, and that is I have definitely gotten some muscle tone now.  Now I was never fat… but I am definitely more defined.  I wonder what Brian would think of the ‘new’ me.

Shaking my head, I know I can’t think about that now.  There have been tales of Brotherhood members seen on the other side of the mountain, and I sit there with a map hoping to find a way around them.  And hopefully a way that will not take us on a more dangerous path, or a longer path.  Ben is sitting down beside me as we try and think of a way around the possible trouble.  I have already killed more man than I care to admit, than I even want to think about.  Every time we find a place to settle down for a while, the Brotherhood finds us.  And every time, we have to fight for our lives in order to get out in one piece.

We have lost a lot of good people during the past couple of months, but I know that in the end the Brotherhood can not destroy us.  We are not the only ones fighting their new ‘regime’.  We are not the only ones who feel that their way if fucked.  It’s like Hitler all over again, and I for one will not stand by and let someone tell me – tell anyone -- that it’s wrong to be who we are.  Fuck that.  If I have to kill everyone who is trying ‘rid the world of the bad seeds’, then I will.  That’s not what this country, what this world is about… was about.

“If we head south for a mile or so, we can head through this path, and then cut east again.  It should take us far enough away from those assholes, and it looks safe enough,” Ben tells me pointing to a small area on the map.

“Yeah, but then we would have to worry about ambush.  They will see that, and try and take advantage of it.  I don’t know,” I say.  I know that we should take the route that Ben is talking about… but I can only see what could happen.  That’s why I keep Ben as my second.  I can only now look at the negative, while he can see the positive side of things.  Ying and Yang, as he likes to say.

“It’s possible, but I think we would have a better chance going this way, than the other.  If we take the direct route, then we run the chance of even more problems.  There are far more places where they can ambush us, and at least this way, we have some cover,” Ben informed me.

He’s right of course.  I just hate it that we have to decide between the lesser of two evils.  Either way we are fucked.  Either way we will run the chance of being attacked.  “Okay, we’ll head out at first light.  That way we reach the area with plenty of daylight left.  I don’t want to be caught there in the dark with our fucking pants down.  I want our best shooters surrounding the group, and canvassing the area.  The first sign of trouble, I want to know about it.”

Ben nodded and made his way to gather the troops, and tell everyone what was going on.  When Ben left, Molly came up beside me and laid her head on my shoulder.  “Hey,” she quietly said.  I can only smile at her, as I lay back down on the ground and pull her close to me.  “Night, Justin.”

“G’ Night, Molly,” I tell her.  We are never far from each other – not for a moment in the past couple of months.  I don’t think that I can let her out of my sight even for a second.  We’re all we have anymore, and I promised myself the moment I saw mom’s battered body, that I would not let anything happen to Molly.  I would do everything in my power to make sure my sister lives a long, long time.

I rose before the sun began to fill the sky, slowly detaching myself from Molly’s grip.  We were lucky to have found an old military armory about a month ago, cause now we are stocked pretty well with guns and ammunition.  Things will be much easier now… much easier than the bow and arrows, and knives we were using before.  Yeah we had found some gun stores that had not already been looted, but there was never enough for everyone… now we are ready for anything that the damn Brotherhood threw at us.

I see the group of scouts preparing themselves for the journey.  We were lucky to have found a lot of military and ex-military personnel.  Hell I think we even found some people who were in the Special Forces… people who do not believe in the thinking of the Brotherhood.  Of course with the Brotherhood if you were of color, or of different sexual orientation, or hell even different anything than their ‘perfect’ human, then you were subject to elimination.  They even believed that woman were only good for reproduction.  Fuck that!!!  I knew a lot of women who would kick their asses from one side to the other.  Not that anyone really knew what their real beliefs were but none of us really wanted to find out.  What we did know wasn’t what we had all grown up to believe was okay.

Once the rest of the group wake and finish their small meal, we head out toward the south.  I know that there will be an ambush waiting for us… I can only hope that we keep our loses to a minimum, and theirs to a maximum.  I know that I really shouldn’t wish death on anyone, but I can’t help it.  After all the lives they have taken from us…all the lives they have ruined all for the sake of making the world in their image… No.. No fucking way…

I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate these fuckers…I mean I hate Chris Hobbs for what he did to me… but nothing like what I feel for this group of people.  The things that I have been wanting to do to them… It’s not me… it’s not the old me…

I know that I have changed these past couple of months, but hell who hasn’t.  I mean, who wouldn’t change when the whole world comes to an abrupt end?  I wonder if anyone back at home would even recognize me anymore…

It’s the middle of the day by the time we reach the area I’ve been worried about.  I can almost feel them watching us.  I know that they are there, waiting for the right time to try and pick us off one by one.  I notice our scouts move away from the group and make their way up the cliffs so that they can take up position and cover our flanks… Fuck now I’m beginning to sound like a military commander.  When did that happen?

By the time we reach about half-way through the valley, we are overrun by the Brotherhood.  Thankfully we were ready for them cause everyone scattered and took cover.  Shots rang out, echoing off the cavern walls.  I felt like I was watching some action movie, with all the bodies falling to the wayside, struck down by a bullet to the head or chest.  Blood flowed from wounds on both sides, and I knew that the loss would be great.  We may have been able to find cover to lessen our chances of attack, but we still were trapped.  The only means for escape is to eliminate all of them… or die.

Survival of the fittest indeed… only I plan on surviving.

I look around and see someone make their way over to where the children and Molly are.  Quickly I rush over there, hoping to stop their deaths.

I should’ve been looking around and watching my own back.  If I had I would’ve seen the other enemy come up behind me.  If I had been paying attention, I would’ve seen him before he raised the butt of his gun toward my head.

I would’ve been able to stop what was going to happen to me…

But I wasn’t paying attention…

I have no one to blame but myself.

* * * * * * *

Part Five – End of Innocence…   
  

** FLASHBACK : Timeframe 2002 to January 2003 **

Slowly I open my eyes, and even before I get them open I know that I’m fucked.  They got me.  Think, Justin, think… What went wrong?  The last thing I remember is seeing that guy make his way over to where Molly and the children were.  Did he get them?  Fuck I hope I didn’t fail Molly, I hope that she’s alright.

There was someone behind me… the enemy… I remember now.  I had gotten careless, and now it’s time to pay for that carelessness.

My new home is small, only about six feet by six feet.  Dirty, cold, dark… so this is what hell is like… I thought it’d be warmer.

I hear the voices outside my door, and a part of me wants to friegn sleep so that they’ll leave me alone.  But I got myself into this mess, I’ll just have to face the consequences.  Slowly the door opens, and I can make out a tall man glaring down at me.  “So the infamous Taylor is awake.  Take him to interrogation,” he said.

Two men drag me down the hallway and I can see a small room at the end.  We step inside and I try to tear my eyes away from the sight.  The walls are covered in blood and I can just make out pieces of flesh, and brain matter splattered throughout.  I have to stop the wave of nausea that is threatening to spill out of me, so I close my eyes and try to find that place Ben always talks about.  That place where you can exsist without really being there… that place where he goes for meditation and shit.  It’s never worked before, but I can only hope that it will work now.  If not… then I’m in serious trouble.

The two men pushed me down in a chair in the center of the room, and tied my arms behind my back.  I tested the strength of the ropes, and I know that there is no way I can get out of this room until they carry me out.  The man I had seen before comes walking in and stands in front of me.  “Your people have caused me a lot of grief, boy.  Now why is that,” he asked me bringing his face close to mine.

I can smell his breath, and the only thought that goes through my mind is breath mints… okay so who said I would be able to think clearly?  I sure didn’t.  I only look at him in the eye, not gracing him with an answer.  I decided that as long as I’m here, I will not say one word… I will try my hardest not to scream out… I will give them nothing.  Cause the moment I give them one little thing, it’s over with.  I’m finished.  I won’t do that, I can’t do that.  Brian is waiting for me, I know he is.  I have to get out of here so I can find him.  That’s what will keep me going.  Brian and Molly.  Nothing else matters.  Let them do to me what they want.  I’ll make it… I have to make it.  “You a faggot?  Huh?”  I continue to look at him.  “You like to take it up the ass, boy?  I hear you do… Yeah, I know all about you things… you disgusting creatures… you filthy abominations.”

He calls us abominations?  I try not to laugh, cause for some reason I just find that totally hilarious.  He wants to create the world in this certain image, and we’re the freaks?  Man this guy needs some serious help… like maybe a bullet to the head.  “Answer me you fuckin faggot,” he yells as I feel his fist strike me across the face.

Fuck, he hits like Michael.  “Is that the best you can do,” I hear myself say.  Fuck!  So much for keeping quiet.  I hate it when smart ass remarks like that come out without even realizing it.

“Ah, so we got a smart mouthed faggot… let’s see what we can do to fix that.  Boys,” he says, and I will my heart to stop racing at the look of satisfaction on his face.  Suddenly I find my arms freed, before I could do anything though, I am pushed against one of the walls and my arms retied and attached to a hook high on the wall.  I have to close my eyes so I don’t look at the wall.  I don’t want to see the blood of those who had come before me… I don’t want to think about what is going to happen.

I feel the cold air biting against my flesh as they rip open my shirt, the fire as cold metal is racked across my back, ripping the flesh beneath it.  Blood starts to make it’s way down, and I can feel every centimeter of it’s trek down toward the top of my jeans.  “Ever hear about a little thing called the Catspaw,” he asked me.  I remember from history class what it is.  A metal device with hooks on the end, which during the time the London Tower was used for torture, they had used this thing to rip the flesh off of their victim.  Yeah, I know what it is, but I don’t tell him that.  I can only feel it rake lightly across my back, exposing more of my insides, forcing more blood out of my body.

But I didn’t scream… I didn’t say anything.

I only can succumb to the darkness around me.

* * * * * * *

I’ve been stuck in this place for the past couple of months – at least I think it’s been that long – and I’m beginning to feel as if all I want to do is die.  What little hope I had, what dreams I had, have all been slowly taken away.  What’s left?  Escape?  Yeah right.  I’ve already tried that, and got my punishment in return.

For the most part I am left alone… in this small room with nothing to keep me company but the rats.  Large fucking rats too.  They feed me once a day… well if you can call that shit they give me food, and at least once a week I am taken back into that room for my weekly ‘talk’ as they like to call it.

It’s funny – in a sick way – that they hate faggots, and yet when one of them gets an itch, they come here.  They come to my cell.  I don’t know how many times I have been taken – how many times I’ve been forced to take them into me.  But I know if any part of the day I hate the most… it’s the nights.  The nights are when the boss isn’t around, so the guards can do whatever they want.  And most of the time, they want me.  At first I thought about picture Brian, but that thought made me sick.  We may have dipped into the world of slight kink, but nothing… NOTHING like this.  He would never take me if I didn’t want him to.  The closest we ever came to anything like this was after they had found that kid in the dumpster.  But that was kids play compared to this.  This was complete violation of my body and soul.

I briefly wonder what the boss would think about his boys now.  If he hates us so much, what would he think about his boys taking pleasure in fucking a guy?

* * * * * * *

I am beginning to really hate this room.  When I am stuck in here, I have too much time to think.  I have too much time to remember how things used to be.  Brian and I at Babylon with the guys… just hanging out.  Daphne and I going to the mall to shop, and talk.  Deb with her red hair, telling me to do this or do that.  Vic… God!  Too many memories.

I haven’t said a word since I had gotten here… well not since my smart ass remark the first day.  I don’t even know if my voice will work anymore.  Can a person lose their voice from not using it?  I don’t know.

The door opens again, and I bite down on the panic I feel suddenly.  Luckily I can get a glimpse of sunlight coming from down the hall, and I am silently grateful.  In the daytime, I’m safe… at least safe from being violated… safe from being forced to feel these men in me.  I am pulled up from the ground, and once again dragged down the hall.  How many times have I taken this path since I’ve gotten here?  How many times have I stepped foot into that room?

I watch as I am moved not toward the room at the end of the hall, but outside.  I try not to think that they are letting me go, but the thought that I am outside for the first time in god knows how long, is almost too much to bear.  This is by far the cruelest thing that they have done to me yet.  They have given me the sense of freedom, the taste of the outside.  I have to close my eyes to stop the tears that I know will fall.

Before me is a tall pole, and I know what is going to happen.  If there is one thing I have learned in my time here, is that they have researched every torture device known to man throughout the ages.  This one is from more recent history, but every effective none the less.  My hands are tied behind my back, and raised them up high behind me, forcing me to bend down toward the ground.  They lifted me up off the ground and tied my hands against the pole, and I can feel my shoulders protest to the odd angle.

That’s where they left me.  Outside, my feet above the ground, with my arms tied high on my back.  I knew that it would be a matter of time before I felt my shoulder give, but I didn’t really care.

What they didn’t realize is that this punishment for me… was a blessing.  I would endure any amount of pain as long as I can look out across the land, and feel the sun on my face.  This was heaven.  If I died now, I would die happy.

* * * * * * *

They had left me there for three days, and despite the fact that I will never be able to use my arm again, that my shoulder was completely destroyed, I felt more alive than I had in a long time.  They had made a mistake when they had come up with that torture… it hadn’t broken me, it had set me free.  I had a new outlook on life… I had hope once again.

They had taken me from the pole straight into the interrogation room and I wasn’t fazed at all.  I didn’t even blink as they raised the hammer toward my hand and smashed the bones into pieces.  My breath didn’t catch when they had ripped out my fingernails.  I didn’t pause when they had brought back out the catspaw and raked it down my chest and back.

They thought they had broken me, that I was now just putty in their hands… They didn’t know the truth.

I had been reawakened.  I was alive.  Numb to the pain, but alive.

I would get out of here.  I would find Brian.

I wasn’t nieve enough to think that I wouldn’t be haunted by this for the rest of my life, but I knew… I knew as long as I found Brian, which I new I would.  As long as I had him… I would be fine.

Brian would make this all go away.  He’d help me heal.  Help me forget...

All I had to do was plan a way out of here.  And now I knew that I could do it.  That I would get out of here.  Nothing was going to stop me now.  Nothing.

* * * * * * *

Part Six – The other side of the world …   
  

** FLASHBACK : End of November 2001 **

The first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up is Justin.  I reach out for him, not feeling him beside me.  Then it fucking hits me… Justin’s not here.  He’s in California.  Fuck!  When I saw the Emergency Broadcast, all I could do was quickly call Lindsey, and Michael.  Hopefully they got into hiding like I told them to.  But Justin… Justin was out there, on the other side of the fucking world.  There is no way of knowing whether or not he is alive.  No way of knowing if he’s alright.  Fuck!  This is just my fucking luck… I just finally find Justin, we finally begin this whole … relationship thing, only to have it snatched away from me.  I just wasn’t meant to be happy I guess.

The second thing I do is reach into my pocket and pull out my cell.  Dead… Figures.  Now it’s time to do the only thing left to do, and that’s to see who is still alive, to see if everyone is okay.  I pull my way out of the basement and into the daylight.  All I can see is total destruction.  There is nothing left… the streets are bear.  What the fuck is going on?  Why didn’t they fucking tell us that this was happening long before they did?  But no… they had to wait until it was already too late to warn us.  They had to wait until the last minute, mere seconds before the damn thing crashed into the Earth.  Fucking government beaucrates.

Looking over at the Jeep, I know that it is a lost cause.  A large chunk of the building broke off and landing right on the hood.  There is no way in hell I can get that thing running, so walking is my only option for now.  I have to find Michael and Lindsey… and see if Gus is alright.

* * * * * * *

** PRESENT DAY SEPTEMBER 2003 **

I remember those early days… more than I care to admit.  After I had found the others… thank god most of them were still alive.  We had lost a lot of good people – Deb, Ted, Mel.  So the rest of us decided to leave this fucking city and head west.  I was worried about Justin, and Michael about Ben.  It also seems that Emmett had take a trip out west to Chicago so we all decided we needed to find the rest of the family.  Not that it was going to be easy, but who the hell cares.

I had thought a lot these past couple of years… my life, my family, my friends… what I wanted out of life.  Granted who can think of a future when all there is around you is death?  Everything we took for granted, everything that we thought would be there until the day we died – is now all gone.  There is nothing of the ‘old world’ as Cynthia likes to call it, is left.

Cynthia… she has been a fucking rock through this whole thing.  Still getting on my ass whenever she can, making sure that I do what I say I’m going to do, what needs to be done.  Michael, well he has surprised me.  Michael has grown up a lot in the past couple of years.  Gone is that kid, that man who was afraid to be ‘out’.  Now Michael is a hardened soldier.  Seeing Deb’s battered and bloody body changed him.  Vic has taken her death hard, and Michael has been there for him, caring for him.

Lindsey died a year ago from a bullet to the back.  We had been ambushed, and she had sacrificed herself for Gus.  I miss her.  So here I am being a full time father, and trying to think of what is best for my son in a world that is harsh, and cruel.

It makes me realize how much I need Justin.  Justin would know what to do, he always did.  He always had the ability to make me do right by Gus.  I can only hope that he is out there somewhere.  I don’t think I’d survive if he didn’t make it.

I never realized until shortly after the fall, as I like to call it – how much I needed and wanted Justin.  I always thought that it was something that would be fun while it lasted… and it wouldn’t last long.  I never wanted to have a boyfriend, or be in a relationship.  I didn’t want love.  I didn’t want to love him.  But I did.  I realized that not long after the fall.  I realized that I had to find him, I had to be with him again.  I can’t explain it, but I know he’s out there somewhere, and he needs me.

Some nights I’ll wake up feeling him near… hearing him call out to me.  That’s what keeps me going.  Knowing he’s out there is the only thing that makes all of this bearable.  It’s the only reason why I have the strength to go on.  To live.

* * * * * * *

** FLASHBACK DECEMBER 2001 **

“Mikey, we have to get out of here,” I tell him, hoping that he’ll agree and come with me.  Since he had found Deb’s body he had been a total mess, not leaving the house that he had grown up in.  We had buried Deb, and I guess in a way we had buried Michael.  “Mikey… look… look at me,” I tell him forcing his face toward mine.  “Vic needs you… he needs you to be strong for him.  We have to get out of here.  We have to find Ben and Justin.  So come on.  We need to leave.  Please, Mikey… I can’t do this alone.”

I know that I was begging, but I don’t know if I could do this alone.  I know I can’t do this alone.  I need my best friend… I need him there beside me.  We’ve already lost too many people that we cared about to lose one from depression.  I sighed in relief when he nodded and stood.  “Let’s go find Ben… and Justin,” he said.  “Vic,” he began going over to the man who had been like a father to all of us.  “Come on… let’s go.”

The three of us headed out of the house which held so many wonderful memories, and met with Lindsey, Gus, and Cynthia outside.

We headed down the street and away from the city…

We never looked back.

* * * * * * *   
** PRESENT DAY SEPTEMBER 2003 **

Over the years the group had expanded.  Vic is doing better – finding someone he can share his life with.  I’m happy for him.  Cynthia as well has found someone to help warm her bed at night.  I am happy for them, really I am.  I only wish that I had the one that I dream of at night to actually be there.  I want to hold him in my arms, tell him that I love him.  Yes, I can finally admit it… What would you expect after all the shit we have been through this past year?  I love Justin Taylor.

Now all I have to do is find him so that he knows just what I feel for him.

We had heard rumors of a Rebel group not far from us… maybe a couple of weeks.  They say that this group came from the west.  I can only hope that they know of Justin, and that they can give me some information on him.  Let me know that he’s alright.

In about a month I should have some answers to the questions that have plagued me for the past two years.  Hopefully I’ll have some news on Sunshine.

Someday I will find him… I will be able to hold him again…

I’ll be able to tell him that I love him…

Someday soon…

* * * * * * *

Dante’s Prayer   
Part Seven – At Long Last…   
  

** PRESENT DAY OCTOBER 2003 **

Our scouts came back and informed Ben and I that there was a small group about two days away from us.  They told us that the group did not seem hostile, but I have my doubts.  In the past couple of months we have come across ‘friendly’ groups only to be shot at.  I don’t know if we should take that chance.

Emmett and his new boyfriend, Richard, are all for it, as are Molly and Ben.  I, however, am still leery.  I have a strange feeling about that group – I’m not sure why – but the sickness I feel in the pit of my stomach makes me worry.  Ben tells me that it’s an after-effect of everything that I’ve been through, and no one faults me for that.

I only wish that I could get past it, move on with my life.  I wish I could go a night without the fear that someone will come.

* * * * * * *

**   FLASHBACK: Early March 2003 **

It has been months since I had been given my glimpse of freedom and amazingly enough that feeling is still there.  I was afraid that as time moved on, the feeling of peace would leave me.  I have found however, that place that Ben always talked about – albeit in a different, more self-destructing form.

I find myself able to just shut down completely – no thoughts, no emotions, no pain, no disgust, nothing.  Only the gentle breeze, the warm sun, the sense of freedom remains.  I know I need to be careful; I need to ensure that I don’t stay in that place.  If I do there will be no hope for me.  What is it they called the people at the camps that just gave up?  Muselmann?  I’m not fully ready to give up but I am more than ready to get the hell out of here.

I don’t sleep anymore – I can’t.  Well not really sleep, not the deep, peaceful slumber I used to have.  I want to be ready; I want to know what and who is coming.

I hear loud noises outside of my cell.  Yelling, screaming, and explosions - the sounds of death echo through the halls.  I don’t know what to think.  Are they killing us all so that when they move they don’t have to worry about transporting us?

“Start killing the prisoners.  They won’t be getting them back,” I hear the commandant yell.  And that’s when I feel it, the sense of hope and freedom as the adrenaline begins to rush through my veins.  Someone is raiding the camp.  They’ve come to rescue us.

I stand and move to the side of the door.  I don’t feel the injuries anymore thanks to the adrenaline, so I stand as close to the wall as I can.  I can make out the sounds of the other cell doors opening, then gunfire.  The other prisoners scream out in pain, giving their final farewell to this world.

My door opens and I act quickly – kicking my assailant, my executioner, in the gut and pull the gun from his hands.  Without thinking I pull the trigger ending his life.  Taking a quick glance out into the hall, I make a break for it, moving as fast as I can toward the outside world.

With every man I pass, I kill… They are not going to stop me now.  This is my last chance, my only chance to end this nightmare and I plan on taking full advantage of it.  Standing in the doorway is one of the men from my nightmares.  The Commandant stands defiantly before me – standing in my way of freedom.  “So you little faggot… think you’re going to go out this door?  Huh?  That what you think?”

I pull my gun up toward his head and shoot one shot.  I don’t even wait for his body to drop to the ground before I make my way out of the building that has ended my innocence.  “Justin”!   I hear a yell and I try not to cry out in relief.  Ben… It’s my family.  They didn’t forget about me…

I feel arms go around me – soothing, comforting arms and I allow myself to breath a sigh of relief.  “Oh baby… we finally found you.”

I look up and stand in shock for a second before collapsing in the arms again.  Emmett… Emmett is alive!  We found him… he found me.  For the first time in months, I let the tears fall as I hold onto Emmett like a lifeline.  I’m finally free.   I’m finally partly home.

* * * * * * *

** PRESENT DAY OCTOBER 2003 **

It took a couple of months before I could move around again.  The pain I was feeling, both physical and emotional was extreme.  Although the physical injuries are on the mend still, nothing will be able to erase the emotional damage that had been caused.  I will have the reminders for the rest of my life.  My fingernails have grown back, albeit a little discolored, but at least they are there.  My left hand and shoulder will take longer to heal.  The ripped flesh of my back and chest has healed leaving only the scars as a constant reminder of my time in that damn camp.

Emmett must have learned something from Deb, cause he constantly feeds me.  ‘The only way to feel better is with food in your tummy,’ he told me once.  Okay so he doesn’t sound like Deb, but the idea that food is the cure all for things definitely came from Deb.

The worst thing for me is the nightmares.  I get only about two hours of sleep each day and that is sporadic at best.  I can’t have anyone sleep near me; the feeling of anyone close to me scares me to death.  I wonder briefly if the same will be true when we find Brian.  Will I let him sleep next to me, or did the Brotherhood take that from me as well?  Will I be able to have him hold me? Make love to me?  I pray that I will, but I’m not sure anymore.  I’ve been tainted, spoiled… why would Brian want me anymore?

No, I can’t think about that… I have to think about the here and now.

The group just over the horizon… What should we do with them?  Should we head south away from them, or should we head toward them?

I briefly wonder what Brian would do?  What would he tell me to do?

“Let’s head out… see what we can see,” I tell Ben.  We’re heading for the group.  Maybe we can get lucky this time… maybe things will be different.

I can only hope for everyone’s sake that things will work out.   
* * * * * * *

Dante’s Prayer   
Part Eight – And then there were…   
  

PRESENT DAY OCTOBER 2003

I have ordered the majority of the group to stay behind and allow the ‘fighters’ to be prepared for anything.  We don’t know what to expect and I’m not ready to take any chances that these people are friendly.  Ben moves ahead of us, deciding that he would see for himself if things are alright, while the rest of us stay back, ready to attack if need be.  A part of me hopes that it won’t be necessary, however, that is not the way my life has been working lately.  My life has been shit lately, so why not let this damn thing blow up in our faces too.

I can’t make out what is being said and I can barely make out Ben from my position.  Suddenly I hear my name being called.  I stand from my spot and slowly make my way to where Ben is, my hand on my gun in case I need to use it.  As I reach Ben, I stop suddenly in my tracks, unable to believe what I am seeing.  Ben has his arm around Michael, holding him close to his body.  And before me… before me is the one person whom I have been dreaming about since this whole hell started.  “Hey, Sunshine,” Brian whispers, smiling a real smile at me.

I can’t move, I can’t breathe.  I’m half afraid that if I take one step closer he will disappear.  “Brian?”  I watch as he comes closer to me and opens his arms.  I take the last remaining steps forward and lean into him, feeling his arms wrap around me.  “God, it’s really you,” I breathe, letting the tears that had been threatening to fall let go.

I wrap my arms around him tightly, never wanting to let him go, and close my eyes.  If this is a dream, don’t let me wake up.  Please don’t let me wake up.  “Shhhh… I’m here.  It’s going to be okay now…. It’s going to be alright.”

* * * * * * *

Later that night, both groups were sitting around a large bonfire, enjoying the small feast that had been prepared in honor of Brian and Michael’s group.  Michael is different… I can see that this time has been hard on him.  I had taken him away from the group just a couple of hours before and we sat down and talked for the first time… really talked.  He told me about finding Deb and everything that they had been through.  He told me how he and Brian wouldn’t stop until they found us.

I told him about Ben… and how strong, and wonderful he is.  I told him how Emmett has become a great leader in his own right.  We talked for a long time, just catching up.  I must admit… I always thought of Michael as annoying but Deb had told me that we were only acting like brothers.  I was the annoying little brother that got underfoot and Michael was the big brother who always bossed me around and got annoyed with me.  I can see now where she got all of that from.  I know that Deb would be proud of the man he has become.  He’s strong, he’s caring… and I think that we may become really good friends.

I sit down next to Brian, and just look out at the fire.  As much as I would love to have everyone here celebrating, I know that we still have an enemy out there who will do anything to kill us all.  So I still have the scouts out protecting our perimeter.   I hate that I can’t even relax for a second… I think my time in the camp ensured that.  “Michael tells me that Lindsey and Mel are dead,” I state to Brian.

“Yeah.  Mel died initially and then Lindz…We were attacked and she went to protect Gus… she was shot in the back.  She didn’t stand a chance,” he solemnly tells me.  I know him well enough to know how much that hurt him.  “Gus is doing good though.  He’s gotten so fucking big.”

“Where is he,” I ask, not really having seen him since the first moment we had seen the group.

“Vic took him to lay down.”  Brian reaches over and places a hand on the back of my neck, gently massaging the tight muscles there.  “I worried about you… not knowing if you made it or not.  I’m glad you did.”

I turn slightly and place my hand on top of his other one.  “So am I,” I tell him with a slight smile.

“You’re happy you made it, or you’re happy I did”?

I feel a slight pain in my heart at our old game being played out, but I push it aside.  Brian is really here, this isn’t a dream.  He’s not going to vanish in a puff of smoke this time.  “Both,” I answer.

“Good… so am I.”

I move closer so that I can lean back against him and I feel his arms go around me.  I wish this feeling could last forever… I don’t ever want it to end.

But I know that before this goes any further we will need to have a serious talk.  He needs to know what has happened to me these past two years.

I’m not the same kid he fell in love with all those years ago.

I can only hope that he will still care for me the way he did before.   
  

* * * * * * *

Part Nine – The Healing way…   
  

** PRESENT DAY OCTOBER 2003 **

Justin and I walked down toward a small hotspring a little ways away from the group.  When he and Mikey went to talk, I had stepped over to Ben to try and get a feel for what has been happening in Justin’s life.  From the first moment we saw each other he seemed distant, almost afraid – worse than what he was right after the bashing.  All Ben would tell me was that I had to talk to Justin, let Justin explain, and help him through it.  I have no idea what the hell he was talking about, but there is no fucking doubt in my mind that I will be there, that I’ll find out what happened to him.

Which is why I chose the hotspring.  It has been two days since we’ve  been ‘reunited’, I guess you could say, and to say that Justin has been distant would be an understatement.  Okay, I know that it’s been two years, and we have to get to know one another again… but damn.  He’s giving cold shoulder a whole new meaning.  He doesn’t sleep, he hardly eats, if someone touches him it’s like a hot poker has touched him.  Then just this morning, I walked over to where he was and saw him take his shirt off.  What I saw made me sick to my stomach.  His entire back was covered in scars.  I remained hidden, then slowly walked away.

The only thing that ran through my mind was that obviously something bad had happened.  Walking away from where he was at, I closed my eyes to try and stop the red hot anger that was pumping through my veins.  I needed answers, and I needed them now.  So later that night, I walked over to where Justin sat by the fire, and sat down beside him.  “Aren’t you going to get some sleep?  You look exhausted.”

Justin only shrugged, and continued to stare at the fire.  “I will…later.”

I take a deep breath, cause I know he’s lying to me and all I want to do is get him to open up a little.  “So … where can someone get cleaned up around here,” I asked him smiling slightly.

Justin smiled back at me weakly, and stood.  “Come on… there’s a little place close by.  I’ll take you.”

So here we are, at the hotspring, and Justin is sitting on a rock nearby.  I start undressing, noticing him looking at me the entire time, shifting in his seat.  Well I guess it’s a good thing I still have my looks, and that he’s still attracted to me.  That’s a plus.  “Wanna wash my back,” I ask him hoping to drag him out of this haze he is in.  Justin smiled and blushed slightly, then removed his clothes and hopped into the spring with me.

Justin’s hands start to glide over my body, and it allows me to think about what Ben had told me… something bad had happened to Justin, and I need to know what.  I mean, I know that since this whole mess started things haven’t exactly been easy on any of us, but with those marks on his back, I know something happened that no one should’ve gone through.  The thought that someone touched Justin, hurt him, causes a rush of anger to shoot right through me.  “Everything okay,” I say as I turn around and try to wash his back.  Justin is standing close to me, not really allowing me to take a good look at him.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.  Why wouldn’t it be?”

I know he’s trying to avoid this discussion, and I don’t want to push too hard for fear of him shutting me out completely.  “Okay… so, wanna talk about it,” I ask him.

“About what,” he asks looking me directly in the eye.

“About what is going on with you?  What happened to you,” I ask him as I begin to run my hands across his shoulders.  Justin turned his face away from me, and sighed.  He turned from me, and began to step out of the spring, and away from me.  I reached to touch his shoulder and pulled him back toward me.  “Justin,” I begin as I cup his chin in my hand forcing him to look me in the eye.  “Talk to me… let me help.  Let me in.”

Justin looked up at me, and blew out a short breath.  “There’s nothing to talk about, Bri.  It’s in the past… let’s just forget it.  Okay?”

I place my hands on his shoulders and lean in so our foreheads touch.  “Then tell me why I haven’t seen you sleep?  Who caused those scars?  Why won’t you let me touch you?”

“You’re touching me now,” Justin says defiantly.  He knows what I mean, but he’s trying to keep up a tough front and I won’t let him do it.  Whatever happened -- it’s tearing him up, and I won’t let him do that to himself.  Not now, not ever.  I begin to run my hands down his arms, and up his back.  “See,” he tells me, but I can see the slight fear in his eyes.  He’s afraid, but he doesn’t want to show it.  I know now, in the back of my mind what happened.  I don’t want to believe it, I can’t believe it.  But I know it’s true.  Someone did this to Justin, and when I find out…

“You’re muscles are so tight… You don’t have to be afraid of me, Justin.  I won’t hurt you,” I tell him.  I hope he knows that.  I would never hurt him.  “Talk to me… Please.”

Justin ran his hands so that his arms rested on my shoulder.  “It’s nothing that you can fix, Bri.  Just you being here helps.  But you can’t fix this, no one can.  It’s done, over… I’ll live.”

“Justin… this isn’t living.  I can figure out what they did to you… I just…  How long,” I ask wanting to get him to open up a little bit.

Justin shrugged.  We still held each other in the water, neither one of us wanting to let go of the other.  I gently pull him closer to me, holding him against me, so that I can rest my head on top of his.  “I don’t know,” he begins resting his head against my shoulder.  I begin to lightly run my hands up and down his back, wanting him to know that I’m there for him.  “Six months maybe… I’m not really sure.  They were going after Molly, and I had to try and stop them.  Next thing I knew I woke up in a camp.  The days seemed to run together… I don’t know how long I was there.”

“I’m here… Let it out,” I tell him.  I know I can’t tell him it’ll be all right, cause it won’t.  You can’t erase the shit that they did to him… I mean look at him.  The scars will be with him for the rest of his life… both internal and external.  How can anyone say that it’ll be alright?  “Did they…” I can’t fucking say it.  How can you ask someone if they were fucking…raped… violated?  How can I ask him that?  I can tell he was, but I guess I don’t want to admit it fully to myself.  Just the idea that someone forced themselves on him…

Fuck!

“I used to pray for daylight.  At least during the day, I knew what was going to happen, what it would be like,” Justin quietly told me.  His voice was so quiet now; I had to strain to hear him.  “At night…God… I used to wish… wish that just once, just one fucking time that they would open someone else’s door.”  Justin pulled back slightly, tears in his eyes, and looked at me.  “Am I an awful person?  For wanting them to go to someone else?  Why would I wish that upon someone else?”

Justin leaned back into me and cried, his whole body shaking.  “You’re not an awful person, Justin.  It’s a normal reaction.  I’m proud of you,” I tell him honestly as I continue to hold him close to me, letting him cry out his pain.  I think that this may be the first time that he is letting it all go, letting the pain he has been feeling come out.  I wish I could do more.  I know I can’t erase the memories, I can’t take away what they’ve done to him.  Justin clings to me not wanting to let go.  I just hold him, let him start to heal.  Letting him know that no matter what I’m there for him.

It’s the least I can do.

* * * * * * *

Part Ten – There are tears for things …   
  

PRESENT DAY OCTOBER 2003

After we left the spring, Justin was silent.  I didn’t know what to think, what to say.  The rage I feel at what happened to him is difficult to contain.  I know that he has suffered so much more than he has told me.  With my arm wrapped around his small frame, I lead him toward the little tent I have.  He looked so exhausted I can only imagine how much he has punished himself for what they did to him.  Thinking that he had deserved it; that he had asked for it.  Fuck that!  I won’t let him think that.  I just fucking won’t.  No one deserves to be afraid of what or who will come through the door.   He punishes himself for wanting someone else to suffer for just one night.

For Justin… that is the greatest sin.

We enter the tent and I pull him down with me.  Carefully, he places his head on my chest and wraps his arms around me.  I hate that he’s so cautious with me… it reminds me of when he came out of the hospital after the bashing, only this is a hundred times worse.  A thousand times worse.  “Brian,” I hear his voice from the spot on my chest, and I hold him closer to me.  “Talk to me… just tell me anything.”

I lay there wondering what in the world to say; what could I tell him that would make him feel more at ease.  I want him to sleep; I want him to feel safe in my arms again.  I begin to tell him about my college days, Lindsey, everything.  I try to avoid any talk about my parents, cause I know that he doesn’t need to hear about what went on in that household… not now, not after what he’s been through.  Hell, I want him to relax, not freak out.  I tell him how Lindsey and I were a couple for a while, how she had realized who she really was.  I tell him about that one party that I went to, at her parent’s house, where I had hit on the waiter, then told them the truth about their daughter.

I told him how Lindz and I worked things out after my outing her, and how we then raised hell at Penn State.

As I talked, I could feel Justin relax with each tale I told… taking comfort in the sound of my voice.  I guess I should be thrilled that he still feels comfortable enough with me to be able to let his guard down.  And I am… I just wish that it wasn’t necessary.  I wish that he didn’t have to feel the way he feels.

I know what he’s going through… I do, at least in part.  I know what it’s like to be violated, to feel unworthy.  I’ve never told him about that… hell never told anyone about the time I was raped.   It wasn’t to the extent of what Justin went through, but it was painful.  Hating yourself, feeling that you will never be clean again.  The feeling of total violation and that for some reason it is your fault.  I hate that Justin is feeling that.  He’s had enough self-loathing in his life with the whole Chris Hobbs shit.   Can’t this damn kid get a break?

I feel Justin’s breathing deepen and I know that he’s asleep.  I promise myself that I won’t let him fear this night.  I won’t let his memories cause him to lose sleep, not while he’s in my arms.  I couldn’t protect him from what caused all of this pain, but I can try and help him heal from it.  I can be there for him now… it’s the least I can do.  He has given me so much over the years.  It was because of Justin that I realized that I could love, was worthy of love.  He showed me that I don’t have to hide behind the persona that I created.  He gave my youth back to me.  How can I ever repay that?  How can I give him even a fraction of the love that he has given to me?  How can I give him the strength that he has shown to me over the years back to him?  Not the fake strength that he is showing everyone as of late… no that is a false mask… the real Justin is still there.  I know he is, I can feel him just hidden behind the mask, the brave front he’s putting out.  I just have to find a way to get him back.

* * * * * * *

I stayed awake all night long… just keeping watch, waiting for some sign of distress from him.  Justin wakes when the sun rises, and he stretches out slightly above me.  “Thanks,” he says through a yawn.  “I think that’s the most sleep I’ve gotten in months.”

“The pleasure was mine,” I say as I lightly kiss the top of his head.  “Feel better?”

Justin keeps his head on my chest, as he runs his finger in little circles across my skin.  “A little bit, I guess.  I don’t know if there is anything that can really make it better.  Nothing can erase it, Bri… nothing can make it all better.  I’m not naive enough to think that.  I know that things just don’t go away.”

“I know things will be hard, that it won’t just go away.  But I don’t want you to think that you’re alone, ‘cause you’re not.  I’m here for you; I’m not going to leave.  Nothing you can tell me will make me care about you less.  If anything, it’ll make me love you more,” I tell him.  I can feel Justin’s small smile, and I know that I have just told him something that he has never heard come from my lips before.  “I want you to feel safe enough to talk about it with me.  I want you to let me in, but I’m not going to push.  I know that you’ll tell me when you’re ready.  But don’t think that you’re alone… ‘cause you’re not.  You have everyone here that cares about you.  They all love you and they look up to you.”

I have seen a lot these past couple of days that have made me smile.  I have seen a side of Justin that I always knew that existed, but who had disappeared for a little while due to the swing of a bat.  I am thrilled that he’s come back, but I can also see the pain that is hidden behind the front he puts out to everyone.  “You’ve become a brilliant leader, you know that.  Everyone here respects you, would lay their life down for you.  I better watch it, cause if I fuck up once, I think I’ll end up with bloody ears from the tongue lashing I’ll get.”

Justin laughs slightly, and I relish in the sound.  “It wouldn’t be that bad.”

“So you say.  No one hurts the great Justin Taylor and gets away with it here.  You’re an icon.  Their savior,” I joke.

“Stop it,” Justin laughs openly.  He raises his head from my chest and slaps my arm.  “You’re delusional.”

“Yeah,” I ask.  “Trust me, I’ve already had the talk from many of the people here.  Fuck, you’re damn sister threatened a certain part of my body if I ever looked cross at you.”

“She did not,” Justin shakes his head.

“Ask her.  She did.  She’s a little vixen, I tell you.”  I look up at Justin and caress his cheek lightly, turning serious for a moment.  “A lot like another Taylor I know.”

Justin blushes slightly, and it still amazes me that after everything he’s been through, everything that he’s done, he can still blush like that.  He still has an innocence that I will never know, never tire of.  “Now I know you need psychiatric help.”

“I don’t think that there’s a cure for this,” I tell him.  I lean in slowly and brush my lips against his, keeping an eye open to see his reaction.  The last thing I want to do is scare him.  I watch as Justin closes his eyes and returns the kiss.  The kiss was gentle, healing… at least I hope he was feeling it that way.  I pull back slightly and look at him, seeing the smile on his lips.

Justin places his head back down on my chest, and pulls me closer to him.  Neither one of us is quite ready to face the real word yet.  With that little kiss, I know that we’ll work things out… I just know it.  We have a long road a head of us, no fucking doubt about that, but we’ll make it.

We have so much that we have to do; find a place to live, get away from the fucking Brotherhood… Then and only then will we be able to let go.  At least that’s my wish for us, my dream.  Now if I only could get Justin to open up more to me… This is a start -- but I need more.  I need him to let go, and I only hope that I can handle it.

* * * * * * *

Dante’s Prayer   
Part Eleven – The Simple things …   
  

** PRESENT DAY END OF OCTOBER 2003 **

Sitting here looking out over the group of people doing everyday things, it reminds me of a time when life was different.  I remember times just walking down the street, watching people move in and out of stores, going through their daily routine.  It amazes me that with all the hell that we’ve gone through; they can still act like they are the luckiest people -- like they don’t have a care in the world.  I don’t know really how to do that.

Mikey is over by the fire pit, talking with Vic and Ben.  He has grown so much in the past two years… so much that I’m not sure I would’ve recognized him if I had been apart from him.  He’s stronger, more sure of himself.  I know that without Mikey, I never would’ve made it.  After Lindsey died, I was ready to give up.  It was Mikey who told me – convinced me – that Gus needed his daddy.  If I gave up then, I would be letting him down and Gus would be alone.  Mikey knew that I couldn’t do that to my son.

There were times when I wanted to give up on Justin… to believe that he was dead.  Once again it was Mikey who would snap me out of it.  If Justin were dead, then that would mean that Ben was dead, and he was hell bent to believe that Ben was alive… so I better snap the fuck out of it, he would tell me.

Mikey has been there for me and for Vic.  I know people think that I lead our group here, but I know in my heart that without Mikey… we never would’ve made it this far.  I never would’ve made it.

Vic… god he’s been like a father to us all.  I still don’t understand this whole, ‘I’m not HIV+ anymore’ but whatever happened, I’m glad that it did.  I know that if something were to happen to Vic, Mikey would be crushed beyond hope.  Then Emmett… I watch him prancing around here like he doesn’t have a care in the world.  He’s still a fashion statement, if there ever was one.  It’s hard for me to see him as a fighter.  But when he stands there, gun in hand and that look in his eye, I know that these past two years have been hard on him as well.

On the other side of camp, not far from where my tent is, I see Molly and the children run and play.  Gus is running around with them, trying to catch the leader in their game, and trying to run away from Justin who is chasing after him.  My two boys, Justin and Gus.  Watching Justin with Gus these past couple of days, I see the pain in my lover’s eyes slowly vanish.  I can see a little of the ‘old’ Justin appearing, and I’m grateful for that.  We still haven’t talked about what happened, nor have we done more than hold each other or kiss, but I believe that in time, he will be able to open up to me more.  I have to believe that.

I wish that there was more I could do for him, but I know that he needs to do this partly on his own.  He needs to feel alive again, to feel strong again – and there is only so much that I can do to help him feel that.  Emmett told me all about how they found him, the look in his eyes, the blood covering his body.  How it took days just to get him to accept medical treatment, and to close his eyes and rest.  It had taken Emmett alone a half a day just to get the gun out of Justin’s hands.

I heard about the missing fingernails, the broken bones, the dislocated shoulder, the scars, and ripped flesh… Fuck, I can’t even begin to imagine the horror that he went through.  The torture, the rapes, the not knowing what would happen to you when those doors would open.

I know that he had to have been in a small-enclosed area, cause Justin refuses to really sleep in the tent, or any enclosed space.  He prefers to sleep outside under the stars.   What did they do to him?  How can I help him get over his fears?

I don’t know if there is any way to really help erase the pain that was inflicted upon him… I mean he was there for at least six fucking months.  How can you take that much pain away?  How can you erase that many nights of wondering if you were going to be violated?  Or those many days when you were ripped to shreds?

I guess I should be grateful for what he has been able to give me.  And don’t get me wrong, I am… I’m so proud of how far he has come in just the past couple of weeks.  “I always knew that once we found you, things would start to look up,” I hear a voice behind me state.

I turn around and see Emmett looking over at Justin and Gus rolling around on the ground.  “What do you mean,” I ask, although I know the answer to that.

Emmett moves to sit down beside me, and takes a deep breath.  “He seems a lot more relaxed.  The Kinney healing power,” he laughed.  “You’re the reason why he’s pushed so hard, you know.  You’re the reason why he never gave up.  Not when he first woke up and found his mother dead.  Not when their first leader Eric was found skinned alive,” he said shivering at the thought.  I must admit, that is not a picture I would like to have in my mind.  “And sure as the rain will still fall…not even when he was in that camp all those months.  You are what kept him going.”

“He kept me going too,” I tell Emmett honestly.

“And Michael as well, if I’m not mistaken.  And let’s not forget that cute little thing that is with Justin.  We have all survived, we made it…”  I can see the slight tears in the corner of his eyes.  I know he’s thinking about the old gang – about Ted, and Deb, Lindsey and Mel… about all of those who are gone.  I think of it too sometimes, but I try to limit it.  There is no point in thinking about what could’ve been.  Hell I mean, Justin could’ve been with me when this thing happened.  We could’ve been in bed as the beam came crashing down on top of it, killing us both.  Or worse yet, just one of us.  I place a hand on Emmett’s shoulder offering whatever comfort I can.  I know that we were never real close before this mess, but I feel that I am getting to know him all over again.  And I like him.

“Yeah, we did,” I reply watching as Justin picks Gus up in the air and twirls him around.  “And we’ll continue to make it all the way to our new home.  Wherever that will be.”

“Yeah,” he quietly says.

 ********

It’s getting dark when Justin finally makes his way over to where I am.  Gus is gripping tightly to his leg, holding on for his life it seems.  I am pleased that they have become close again.  I don’t know what I would’ve done if they hated each other, cause I know that I wouldn’t survive without either one of them.  “Daddy,” Gus yells as he launches himself from Justin’s leg and into my arms.

Justin sits down next to me, breathing heavily, and stretching his muscles.  “Man, that kid can go.  I am going to be so sore tomorrow.”  I watch him as he rotates his right shoulder, and I wonder what caused that injury.  Turning slightly he gives me a small smile, then reaches over to tickle Gus.  “You’re a terror, you know that Gussy.  Just a terror,” he says in a mock scolding tone.

“Am not,” Gus pouts, but I know he’s not truly hurt because I can make out a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

“Now, boys, behave,” I scold.  Justin sticks his tongue out at me and all I can think about is places I would like to have that tongue placed.  Once dinner is eaten, I pick up Gus, and take him to the tent.  I kiss him on his forehead, and sit with him until he falls asleep.  I don’t even remember being that young and trusting… that free.  I have found myself living my childhood through my son and through Justin.  The childhood that I was denied when I was growing up.  Once Gus is asleep, I walk back and sit outside the tent with Justin.  “I wish I could fall asleep that easily.”

Justin nods in agreement and looks out at the night sky.  Every once in a while you maybe able to see a star here and there, but I can’t remember a night that the clouds haven’t blocked out most of the sky.  “I remember the day that they came to my cell and dragged me out into the courtyard.  It was cold, but I think it was one of the first times that the sun had actually been seen fully in a long time.  I remember feeling it touch my skin, and I actually wondered if I would get a sunburn.”  Justin laughs slightly, and I reach over and grab a hold of his hand.  He hasn’t talked much about what had happened to him, but it’s moments like this that I get a glimpse into what he went through.  “It’s stupid really, you know.  To worry about getting a sunburn when you’re being hung from a damn post for days… but I did.”

I sit silently and let him talk this through, letting him get yet another nightmare out of his system.  “It seems strange now to think about it all.  It just doesn’t seem real, like it happened to someone else.  But I know it happened, ‘cause all I have to do is look and see the scars.  It’ll never go away, I’ll always be reminded of it.”  He turns to me and glides his fingers across my cheek.  “But it’s getting easier.  You’re making it easier.  Thank-you.”

I place my hand behind his head and pull him closer to me so our foreheads can rest against each other.  “I haven’t done anything.”

“Yeah, you have,” Justin tells me, meaning every word.  I want to believe him, but I really don’t feel like I’ve helped him at all.  “You have.”  I feel him wrap his arms around me, as he leans in a little closer and kisses me fully on the lips.  After he pulls away we stay close, foreheads touching, just holding each other.  It’s not much but it’s getting there…getting back to the way things used to be.

* * * * * * *

Dante’s Prayer   
Part Twelve – The Healing touch …   
  

** PRESENT DAY NOVEMBER 2003 **

It still amazes me how patient Brian is being with me.  We have been together again for almost a month now, and not once has he pushed me into doing something I’m not ready to do. Our combined groups have found a small little town south of where we had first seen each other.  It has been at least two weeks since we have last seen any sign of the Brotherhood.  As much as I like to think that it’s over, that we can finally settle down, I know that it would be a worthless wish.  We need to keep heading southeast.  Get as far away from their main headquarters as possible.

I know that everyone is getting tired of the traveling, tired of the fighting.  We have to settle somewhere at least for a while, or else I’m afraid that we will have bigger problems than the Brotherhood to deal with.  We don’t need conflict within our own group on top of all our other problems.  So, this small town is our best option for now.  Everyone is working hard to set up some sort of sentry unit and a protective barrier so we can at least feel a little safe. Those who aren’t working on security, begin to search around for homes.  Brian found a little place above an old store we move into.  There is a room for Gus, one for Molly, one for us.  It has everything we need.

As much as I half dread it… it’s starting to feel like home, even after only a couple of days.  I’m actually starting to feel my guard dissolve.  I can feel myself relax.  There is a part of me that doesn’t want that to happen… doesn’t want to feel safe.   I know that the moment I feel content and happy is the moment that it will all come to an end.  I know I could never survive, I wouldn’t want to go on, if I lost Brian, Gus, or Molly.

As I walk into our … our home, long after the sun has set, I immediately spot Brian sitting on the rug in front of the lit fireplace.  His beauty still amazes me, still makes my heart speed up, my palms sweat.  God, I love this man.  “Hey,” he says looking up from his spot on the floor.

I move over to him and sit beside him, kissing him lightly on the lips.  “Hey.”  I can taste sweet liquor on his lips.  “Yum,” I say licking my lips.  For the first time in a long time, I’m actually feeling good… excellent in fact.  I lean in again and run my tongue across his lips.  I feel his hand move up to the nape of my neck as he pulls me in closer.  Brian lies down, pulling me with him – our lips never once breaking contact.  His hands slowly, lightly caress across my back.  It’s been a long time since I have felt this.

I let my hands move up under his shirt… gliding across the firm plain of his chest.  Brian pulls away slightly, and looks at me.  I want to show him that I want this… that I need this – need him.  “You sure?” he asks me, wanting verification that I am a thousand percent sure.

I nod, letting him know that I want this, but he only continues to look at me.  “Bri… I, I need you.  I want you.  I need to know that I can feel something… please… I love you, I need you.”  I can feel the tears running down my face.  Brian moves his thumb to my cheek and begins to wipe away the wetness that has fallen.  “Love me,” I beg.

“Always” he answers, and I breathe a sigh of relief.  Brian stands and reaches his hand out for me.  Placing my hand in his, I follow him toward the bedroom.  Once inside I can feel my muscles tense, and I silently curse the memories that are holding me to that spot in the middle of the bedroom.  I hear the door close, and feel Brian at my back.  His hands are moving across my shoulders, kneading the tight muscles, calming me.  “It’s alright, Justin… I’m not going to hurt you.  We won’t do anything you’re not ready for… Okay?  Just relax.”

Brian begins to pull my shirt up over my head and I force myself not to flinch.  I know that Brian would never hurt me, at least intentionally, so I try to force myself to remain calm.  I keep my eyes on his, taking comfort in the love I see reflected deep within his hazel eyes.  “God, you’re so beautiful,” he whispers in my ear.  I can feel his hands moving over my chest, as he leans in and begins to kiss my neck.  I keep repeating in my mind that this is Brian, he wouldn’t hurt me, and I actually start to relax.  Brian pushes me down on the bed and starts to move down my body, kissing, caressing.  I know every scar that is there, is being erased with each touch of his lips on them.  I know that I’m only imagining it, that they will still be there in the morning, but for now, I can take comfort in the idea.  I can only close my eyes and let him continue his trek.

I feel my pants slide off of my legs, and I cry out slightly, opening my eyes.  Brian stops the movement and slides in beside me.  His hand continues to calm me as he moves it across my chest.  “Shhhh, I’m not going to hurt you, Justin,” he soothes me, raining light kisses across my face.  “Look at me,” he says pulling away slightly so I can once again see his eyes. “Do you trust me?” he asks.

I know that he wants an honest answer, so I sit and think for a second.  I know I trust him with my life, there is no doubt about that, but he wants to know if I can trust him with my heart.  I have to seriously consider that.  He has hurt me so many times in the past, that for a long time I wasn’t sure if it was all worth it.  But I know now… the way things have been these past couple of weeks, I know I can trust him completely.  I look him directly in the eye, so that he’ll know that I’m telling him the truth.  “Yes,” I tell him.

It doesn’t take Brian long to undress.  I look up at him as he leans above me.  I can feel every inch of him as he slides into me slowly.  He pauses once he is in, watching for some sign that I don’t want this… but I do.  I need this, need him.  This is the first time in years that I have not felt disgusted, not felt ashamed.  Brian is giving me back what I had lost, and I know I’ll never be able to repay him.

As we move together, I can feel love with every kiss, every thrust, and every touch.  I almost dread the feeling of completion, because I don’t want it to end.  I don’t want to lose the connection, the feeling.

We stay connected, wrapped in each other’s arms, neither wanting to let go of the other.  I can only close my eyes, and let the comfort of the man I love, lull me to the first peaceful slumber I have had in a long time.  I know that this is just the beginning.  Brian loves me, even if he can never say the words.  I know it in my heart, and in my soul.

Nothing can tear us apart.  Nothing can break us.  As long as we have each other, we will survive.  I believe that, and for the first time, I think that Brian does too.

* * * * * * *

Dante’s Prayer   
Part Thirteen –   Just over the horizon   …   
  

PRESENT DAY NOVEMBER 2003

Opening my eyes, I’m greeted by a sight I had prayed two years to see.  I never thought that I would get sentimental, but after all the hell we all have been through these past two years, who could blame me.  Justin is curled up beside me, and just knowing that he’s sleeping peacefully is all I need.  The door to the bedroom opens up and I see Gus standing there.  I pull back the covers as he rushes toward the bed.  I can never say no to him.  “Hey Sonnyboy,” I say, kissing him lightly on the forehead.  “You hungry?”

Gus nods and jumps back off the bed, pulling on my arm to get me to go with him.  I feel Justin stir next to me and I smile down at him.  “Bri?  What time is it?”

“Breakfast time.  So get your bubble butt out of bed and let’s eat,” I tell him as I get up and pull on some pants.  No need to walk around the house naked, well not with Molly most likely waiting outside the door or in the kitchen.  It’s still hard to believe that all this shit has happened.  If you would’ve asked me three fucking years ago if I thought that the world was going to come to an end, I would’ve laughed in your face.  As is everything is different – how wrong we were to think that we were indestructible.  Everyone is different – hell how can we not?

Molly stands in the kitchen and smiles at me… it’s almost like she knows what went on with Justin and I.  I can only hope that things will work out between us.  The only things left for me is here, in this town – in this house.  My own little queer family – own fucked up family.  Gus is running around, smiling and laughing.  The moment that Justin emerges from the bedroom – looking well fucked I might add thank-you very much – Gus leaps into his arms.  “Hey Little man,” Justin said as he carried Gus further into the room.  “Morning,” he whispers as he leans in and lightly brushes his lips against mine.

“Morning,” I answer back.  “So what’s on the agenda today?”  I sit down and pull the pot of coffee off the burner and pour two cups.

Justin sits down in the chair next to me and takes one cup, making sure that Gus doesn’t reach for it.  “I have to talk to Ben today.  It seems that some of the scouts have seen evidence of someone in the area.  We don’t have anything concrete yet, but who knows.”

Molly sat down across from us and looked at her brother.  She has grown up so much from the time before all this shit happened.  Hell who wouldn’t?  She is a strong young woman… much like her mother.  I can see in her Jennifer – the same Jennifer who told me to stay away from her son.  “Do you think it’s the Brotherhood?”

I halt all movement as her question hits me.  That is one group that I do NOT want to think about.  No matter what I know that we will have to deal with them… that we will have to fight, but knowing what I know now – I don’t know if anyone will be able to stop me from killing those bastards.  I hate what they had done to the ones I love… what they had done to Justin.  “We don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t put it past them.  We’re kidding ourselves if we think that we are safe here, that we can get away from them.  It won’t happen, so there’s no point in thinking anything else.”

I want to yell – just fucking scream.  I hate that Justin is like this… defeated.  Okay, so a part of me can see where he’s coming from.  I mean, everywhere we have gone, those assholes have been there – one step behind us.  But it doesn’t mean that I want them to run my life anymore.  Before I can say anything, the door opens and we all turn to see Ben standing there white as a ghost, and Michael right behind him.  “What happened,” I ask, taking in his appearance.

Justin stands, placing Gus in my arms and walks over to our friends.  Ben looks Justin in the eye, and lets out a deep breath.  “Margaret is missing.”

With those three words I feel the world coming to the halt.  It was official, the Brotherhood was back.

* * * * * * *   
PRESENT DAY DECEMBER 2003

In the past couple of weeks, we have discovered more and more people missing.  Mainly it was the ones who lived on the outskirts of the town.  Justin and Ben have decided to move everyone into the center of town so that it will be easier for us to defend.  Everyone is taking up arms, learning – if they didn’t already – how to kill.  I don’t think that anyone here in our small community wants to give up our new home.  And it is home.  This is the first place in a long fucking time that we all have felt like we belong, like we could stay here and make a life for ourselves.  We’ve been on the move for over two years now, and I’ll be damned if I let someone tear me from it now.  Not after everything that we have been through, that we have done to make this place a home.

They will have to kill me before I let them take this away from us.

I watch as Justin moves through the group, watching as people fight each other, practicing with each other – learning how to kill.  Or at least remembering how to kill.  It’s been a while since we have taken up arms, and some of us are rusty to say the least.  These past couple of weeks with Justin have been terrible.  The nightmares he has every night scare the shit out of me.  I know he’s remembering what happened to him while he was held captive, and it tears me apart knowing that there is nothing I can do to help him.  I look in his eyes, and they can turn from warm and loving to cold and hard in an instant.  I want to take that pain and anger away from him, but I can’t.  Not when I feel the exact same way.  I want to kill every one of them, tear them limb from limb.  But I know enough to know that it won’t help him in the least.

So I do what I can for him.  I hold him at night, tight against me.  I make love to him every chance I can get.  I let him know that I am there for him, that he can tell me anything.

The thing that bothers me is that he won’t really talk about it, what happened to him.  A part of me can understand, I mean there are things in my past that I don’t want to talk about… things that I don’t want to remember.  They still haunt me.  But I just hate that Justin has to deal with this, that he feels he has to deal with this alone.  He’s not alone anymore, and I just have to find a way to convince him of that.

Yeah he’s told me some things, and some of the stuff I can just imagine, just guess.  But it’s different, since I know that if what really happened is even half of what I’m thinking it is… I don’t know how I could deal with that.  It hurts knowing that there is nothing I can do for him, nothing I can do to fix things for him.

Since that morning that Ben had showed up at our place, Justin had been more distant… yeah we’ve had our moments, but no matter what I still feel like a part of him isn’t with me.  I wonder at times if that part is still trapped in that cell.  Emmett’s told me what he saw that day they had rescued him, and the months that followed.  I know it was hell for us – my group – but nothing compared to what Justin went through.  Every time I look at him, look into his eyes and see something besides love, I fight with myself to control the anger.

I hope to god that the Brotherhood tries something, that they try to take our home, our lives.  I need to do this, not for Justin really… but for myself.  The thought of what happened, what those assholes have caused on all of us…. Fuck!  I have never hated anyone before as much as I hate this group now… not even Hobbs, and I can say that if I ever saw him again, I would rip his dick off.

We are now on 24 hour duty – twelve on twelve off – in hopes that we may be able to stop an invasion.  Although Justin wanted to move farther south, he was outvoted by the group.  Everyone, well almost everyone, wanted to stay here.  Now we just have to fight to keep it.  I hope to god that we don’t have to keep fighting for the rest of our lives.  Can’t we just have a break every once in a while?  Can’t we have some peace?

* * * * * * *   
PRESENT DAY JANUARY 2004

It has begun… the siege.. the attack, the whatever the hell one wants to call it.  As December moved along, more and more people made their way into our small town – increasing our numbers, and luckily since we moved everyone into town our number missing decreased.  Emmett and Vic have taken the children to a far off cave system with some of the elderly and sick to keep them out of harms way.  As much as I would love to have Gus nearby, I know that he is safer where he is.

Michael and Ben have been working with Justin and I trying to keep our boarders tight.  Making sure that nothing gets past the guards.  The last thing that we need is for them to get inside.  There has been talk between us of sending out a team to flank them… to try and bring them to us.  We all know that we can’t keep up this defensive much longer.  Too many of us are getting hurt.  We’ve been lucky so far – the number of dead is less then theirs.  Who would’ve ever thought that we would be making bombs?  I guess all that chemistry I took worked out for something besides gluing people to toilet seats.

I am worried however, about Justin.  I hardly know him anymore when we are with the others.  The only time I even get a look at the man I love is when we are alone at home.  When anyone else is around… I don’t know who that person is.  And it’s not like we get much time alone anymore.  One of both of us is always on the front line, working, fighting, motivating.  All I know is that both of us better make it out of this alive.  I don’t know what I would do if I lost him now.

Tomorrow I will be with the group hoping to force the Brotherhood’s hands.  I will be there fighting along side Ben, Michael, Justin, and a handful of others.  The plan is to lead them down this one path in hopes of catching them in an ambush.  Catching them unprepared, and hopefully ending their reign of terror on us.  If this plan works, then we can wipe out most of the group that had followed us since day one – well followed Justin’s group.

Tomorrow is the day we find out if all our hard work was for naught.  If we can actually make it in this fucked up world.  I just pray that we all get out of this in one piece, so we can move on.  So we can start to heal.

* * * * * * *   
    
    
  

Part Fourteen – A New Beginning   …   
    
  

_ Fire and Ice _   
_ by Robert Frost _

_ Some say the world will end in fire, _   
_ Some say in ice. _   
_ From what I've tasted of desire _   
_ I hold with those who favor fire. _   
_ But if it had to perish twice, _   
_ I think I know enough of hate _   
_ To say that for destruction ice _   
_ Is also great _   
_ And would suffice. _

PRESENT DAY OCTOBER 2004

Dear Diary,

It’s strange that after all this time I have once again picked up a pen and wrote in a journal.  It was something that mom had started me on when I was little.  In here – well one like this one – I would write all my dreams, my fears… everything that would go through my mind.  I would draw some of my best art in my journal, cause I knew that no one would ever lay on upon them.  My soul enraptured within these books.

I wish I still had all my old books so I could see… could remember what my life was like before.  Memories of the past before the fall are for me – hard to grasp.  My time in that cell… it took more from me than I realized.

I do however, have Brian to thank for helping me find it again.  Find what I thought was lost forever.  Between Michael, Ben, Emmett, Vic, Gus, Molly, and Brian… hell the entire town, I can say that I actually feel like I did before this whole nightmare began.  I’m starting to see, and feel that life is worth living.

It has been a long hard year for us… but it was also a lot of fun.  We defeated the Brotherhood basically by a stroke of luck back in January.  I couldn’t believe that the plan worked… that they had fallen into our trap.  But even after that, after most of the renegade group was dead, we still had to fight off some stragglers.  It took me a long time to realize that it was over, and even longer to accept that fact.  I don’t know if I am fully accepting of it yet, but I’m working on it.  We haven’t seen any indication that the Brotherhood is around since late February.  I can only hope that we have seen the last of them for quite a while.

I’m not saying that I will completely let my guard down; I don’t think any of us can.  But we are starting to enjoy life again, enjoy the peacefulness that is surrounding us.  We will however remain ready incase someone strikes again, keeping our boarders guarded and people trained to fight.  It’s the way of things in this new world.  It’s killed or be killed, and I for one would rather do the killing.

A school was set up not long after our final defeat of the Brotherhood.  Molly’s excited about it… heck so is Gus.  The children finally have something to do, and Ben is thrilled also.  He can do the one thing that he was born to do… teach.  I even help out at times, teaching art.  It took me a long time to get back to drawing… and I know that it’s no where near what it used to be.  Before Hobbs… before the fall even, I could say that there was still hope and life in my drawings.  But the ones that I had done even to this day are still dark and haunting.  I can however, see some glimmer of hope shinning through them, slowing seeping through.

Brian… what can I say about him?  He’s everything I have ever wanted.  Everything that I ever could have hoped for.  Now, don’t get me wrong, we still fight like cats and dogs at times… but at least we’re both around to fight with.  I was so scared after the ambush back in January.  Brian was missing for days afterwards.  I thought I had lost him again.  I guess you could say I shut down completely… I wouldn’t talk, eat… sleep, anything.  No one could get through to me.  I was a zombie, just sitting in front of the fireplace in our home.  When he walked through that door, a little worse for wear, but alive, that’s when I knew.  I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with this man.  No matter what happened, or how pissed he made me… we were it for each other.  He was my one true love, the other half of my soul.

I remember reading a poem in school once and When I saw Brian again I knew that if the author knew us, he was referring to us.  It is called Sound of Silence by Raymond J. Baughan.  I don’t know really, but it seems to fit us, and this whole situation that we are in now.

_ Here in the space between us and the world _   
_ lies human meaning. _   
_ Into the vast uncertainty we call. _   
_ The echoes make our music, _   
_ sharp equations which can hold the stars, _   
_ and marvelous mythologies we trust. _   
_ This may be all we need _   
_ to lift our love against indifference and pain. _   
_ Here in the space between us and each other _   
_ lies all the future _   
_ of the fragment of the universe _   
_ which is our own. _

I can say that our future is now.  We have to leave the past in the past if we are to survive.  We have to let go of our past sins, of our past failures, so that we can move forward.  I know now where my future is.  I wasn’t sure when this thing started where I would end up… but now I know.  Here with Molly, Gus, and most of all Brian.  My family.

I will never forget all of those who had left us in order to give us what we have now.  We have created a wall of rememberance.  I don’t remember who had suguested it, but I’m grateful that it’s there, that we are doing it.  It will be our way to remember those who didn’t make it here.  In fact tonight, as I sit here by the fire waiting for Brian to show… the ceremony is getting ready.  Tonight we will allow ourselves to finally grieve for those who we loved.

I better go… Brian’s here.

Later, J

* * * * * * *   
“Justin?  Ready,” Brian asks me as he comes up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist.  God I love this man.  I never would’ve thought that I would be here with him like this… as life partners.  That’s what we are, what we will always be.  Nothing will take that away from us.  Nothing.  Hell if we can meet up again after the world as we knew it came to an end… then we can get through anything.

I turn around in Brian’s arms and lean in to kiss him lightly on the lips.  “Let’s go.  Molly’s got Gus, and she’s waiting for us.”

We walk out of the house hand in hand, and make our way to the town center.  As we reach the square I see everyone who had fought beside us… who had lived through the horror just to make it here.  I had told Ben that I didn’t want to say anything, just let the monument speak for itself, and he agreed.  There would be no big fanfare, no long speeches… only our memories.

Brian and I walk over to where the rest of the ‘Pittsburgh Gang’ is, and we all make our way over to the tall, stone structure.  I reach across and grab ahold of Molly’s hand while Brian lifts Gus up into his arms.  Brian wraps his other arm around my shoulder pulling me closer to his body.  He is my lifeline… we are each other’s lifeline.  Without each other… without the gang, I know for a fact that I would not be here now.  I would still be stuck in that cell in parts unknown, losing myself in the hell that I faced everyday.

With each name I let the memories flood my mind, let the pain lose for the first time in well over two years.

** Jennifer Taylor – Mother, friend, caregiver. **   
  

“He wants you to come home, cause you know I do.”   
“I want to come home too.”

“I just hate to see you deprive yourself of the experience because you feel you don’t belong.”

“He says he’s not going to pay for your school anymore.”   
“Is that lame ass shit.  What’s his feeble excuse?”   
“The stock market, and supporting two households, and basically he’s a lame ass shit?”

  
** Deborah Novotony – Mother to all, PrideMother, Best Friend, Sister **   
  

“I’ve always said it’s not who you love it’s how you love.  Genitalia is just God’s way of accessorizing.”

“You love him, don’t you?  I thought so.  Then tell him.  Tell him what you never could say to Michael.”

“You did all that on purpose didn’t you?”   
“How do you think I got him to live in the first place?  I just kept screaming to fucking die already.  Worked like a charm.”   
“He never figured it out?”   
“Apparently not.”

  
** Ted Schmidt – Friend, loyal, Caring, lover **   
  

“Oh I’d love to hear what you have to say about Pussy.”   
“That it’s good that you got one cause you wouldn’t know what to do with a dick.”

“Actually I’d like to hear more.”   
“Speak slowly and enunciate.”

“Wow you were paying attention.”   
“Should I be jealous?”   
“No.”

  
** Daphne Chandler – Friend, companion, sister **   
  

“Well that’s why I want my first time to be with someone who knows what it feels like.  Like you.”

“I know, it would’ve been the perfect fuck you and farewell to St. James Academy.  I missed you Daph.”   
“You too.”   
“So how about you and me going together.”   
“Like a date.”   
“Like friends.  Best friends.  only weirdness over.”

“You were in a coma for practically two weeks.  You could’ve died you know?”

  
** Lindsey Peterson-Marcus – friend, mother, lover, sister **   
  

“Going to New York won’t change anything.  So you’ll have a different loft, work for a different firm, go to different bars and clubs, but different doesn’t make it better.  When are you going to figure out that Justin really loves you, even if he is young?  At your age that’s probably not such a bad thing.  And Michael would give up his life for you.  And I love you too.”

  
** Melanie Peterson-Marcus – friend, mother, lover, sister **   
  

“And I believe that it needs to be explained to you that I’m the one who loves him, and feeds him, and walks him, and plays with him, and changes him, and cleans up his shit, and wipes up his vomit, and pays the bills, and you listen to me.  I stay up half of the night worrying that he will grow up being happy, and healthy and loved, so don’t you dare tell me I have no right to be with him.  You’re a vicious homophobic cunt.”

  
** Eric Michaels – Leader, confindant, mentor, friend **   
  

“We’ll do the best we can, so please just bear with us a little longer”

“I want you to promise me something, Justin.  Promise me that if something happens to me, promise me that you will make sure that everyone is safe.  That we survive.”   
“I promise”

  
* * * * * * *

I walk up to the wall and trace each name, saying my final farewells to all we had lost.  I wonder briefly if MY name shouldn’t be up there.  I know I lost a part of myself during these years, and it’s a part of myself that I will mourn in time.  I wish that everyone could have made it, that everyone would’ve been here today, standing here.  I wish for a lot of things… things I know will never happen.

Someone told me once that you can’t change the past, you can only move forward.  Make the past a part of you… learn to live with it, and not let it control you.  That’s what I’m trying to do.  It’s not easy, but doing what’s right… what you have to do never is.

I know where my future is… where I belong.

I turn to Brian and place my hands around his neck so I can pull him down for a kiss.  I slip my tongue into his mouth, taking all he has to offer.  This is my life now, this is my family.

For better or for worse, we’re stuck together.  To hell with the rest of the world.

* * * * * * *

Dante’s Prayer by: Laura McKennitt

When the dark wood fell before me   
And all the paths were overgrown   
When the priests of pride say there is no other way   
I tilled the sorrows of stone   
I did not believe because I could not see   
Though you came to me in the night   
When the dawn seemed forever lost   
You showed me your love in the light of the stars   
Cast your eyes on the ocean   
Cast your soul to the sea   
When the dark night seems endless   
Please remember me   
Then the mountain rose before me   
By the deep well of desire   
From the fountain of forgiveness   
Beyond the ice and fire   
Cast your eyes on the ocean   
Cast your soul to the sea   
When the dark night seems endless   
Please remember me   
Though we share this humble path, alone   
How fragile is the heart   
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly   
To touch the face of the stars   
Breathe life into this feeble heart   
Lift this mortal veil of fear   
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears   
We'll rise above these earthly cares   
Cast your eyes on the ocean   
Cast your soul to the sea   
When the dark night seems endless   
Please remember me   
Please remember me

  
  
  
  
  



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